It sure does. Only a few more hours til the new year comes pushing out the old year. What can I say about the old year. Not all that much really. Nothing really big or exciting happened. I had a friend move back into the city. Not that I have seen her, but I intend to remedy that come the new year. I gain 20 pounds and lost 13 of them! I got a job ( about time I did anyway). and I saw my daughter turn 2! Guess that one is a big one! Although every year will be a big one to me anyway!
As for the next year. I am pushing for a differnt kind of year. One full of new and different. I am determined to not have another year of blah at this time next year! So, to the list, the bucket list !
1. To own my own drivers license.
2. take Carrie to the zoo
3. be smoke free for a day
4. be smoke free for a week
5. be smoke free for a month
6. see 200 pounds on the weigh scale when I step on
7. See under 200 when I step on the scale
8. see the 180's on the scale
9. have a form of transportation or live where there is transportation
10. to be in or at a place where it is just Carrie and I
11. find a differing job than with Walmart.... or more stable hours dates and times!
12. get carrie into a daycare/dayhome to get her with more children!
13. go to the mountains with Carrie!
14. get Carrie to pee on the potty once for me
15. get carrie to be dry for a day
16. get Carrie to be dry for a week
17. Get Carrie to be dry for a month
18. Big girl bed for Carrie!
19. find something social for me to do!
20. be absolutly positive!
Some are pretty precise and others are kinda vague. I gonna keep them that way. Certain ones go together and others are very much apart. I keep them all that way to be that simple for me!I already have a handle on it cuz I am more positive about this all!! I guarantee that all CAN be done and WILL be done. It is that simple.
Happy New Year to all. And I hope for the resolove that you are looking for, and that which you are not looking for as well!!!!
cheers!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tis the season over already!!!
Well, it is a couple days after christmas and all seems to be back to the normal already! Christmas had its up and downs. I had a sick baby for christmas this year which sucked the big one. She is on the mend now and back to her terrorizing ways! Just kidding, she doesn't terrorize, just doesn't slow down. It was a good time full of family, lots of good food and conversation, and an unexpected phone call. Oh how I enjoy when he calls me. It's never like we are on the phone. I see him sitting in front of me the moment he says hello Bambi! I get the warm fuzzy feeling that I always do when he calls. He is one of the few friends that for all the things I think when I see things or hear things, it doesn't matter when I hear or see him! It's kinda strange. Not sure if he is putting that power over me or I put that there to keep myself connected. Either way, for how strange it is, I think I would be lost without it! I guess that is what 13 years of friendship does to people!
In an earlier writing I wrote about seeing HIM again. And I did at work the other day. I had to snicker to myself. He was trying to pull of this funny little number with an old mans hat and young clothing and it made me laugh. For someone that I had such adoration for some months ago, its all gone now! Not sure where it went, but was kinda glad to see it go! Although he had my attention immediatly and until he left the store, it was not what I used to remember me doing! No thought of what I would do to him or wow look at that good looking. Was all about what was he thinking! Just to clarify the person above is not the same as this guy!
On other notes. Nothing has really changed. I haven't lost any weight (or even tried to) and no plan of quitting smoking. Have just been sitting back and enjoying the time that I am having. It's kind of odd that this past week I have totally been just in the moment and taking it all in! Has been extremely nice and hope I can bring this enjoyment into the new year and every year hence forth.
I have a friend that said something the other day and I agree with her. Instead of resolutions for the year she has created a "bucket list" for the year. Its the things she wants to have done by end of year. Kinda like my goals. I really like this idea and how simple it can really be. So, this I am going to try this year! Will probably turn into a goals list like usual, but I am going to try and bucket list it. Main categories are goind to be : weight loss, smoking, and a great achievement of getting Carrie and I on our own. If you are thinking its about time we get out on our own I agree!!! Think I may even throw in a getting drivers license in there! That would be a great asset to have!
Anyway, on that not I have a list to go and create! Will write them when I have a moment to !!!!
Have a very prosperous new year and If I don't write before then expect a great 2011!!!!!!!!
In an earlier writing I wrote about seeing HIM again. And I did at work the other day. I had to snicker to myself. He was trying to pull of this funny little number with an old mans hat and young clothing and it made me laugh. For someone that I had such adoration for some months ago, its all gone now! Not sure where it went, but was kinda glad to see it go! Although he had my attention immediatly and until he left the store, it was not what I used to remember me doing! No thought of what I would do to him or wow look at that good looking. Was all about what was he thinking! Just to clarify the person above is not the same as this guy!
On other notes. Nothing has really changed. I haven't lost any weight (or even tried to) and no plan of quitting smoking. Have just been sitting back and enjoying the time that I am having. It's kind of odd that this past week I have totally been just in the moment and taking it all in! Has been extremely nice and hope I can bring this enjoyment into the new year and every year hence forth.
I have a friend that said something the other day and I agree with her. Instead of resolutions for the year she has created a "bucket list" for the year. Its the things she wants to have done by end of year. Kinda like my goals. I really like this idea and how simple it can really be. So, this I am going to try this year! Will probably turn into a goals list like usual, but I am going to try and bucket list it. Main categories are goind to be : weight loss, smoking, and a great achievement of getting Carrie and I on our own. If you are thinking its about time we get out on our own I agree!!! Think I may even throw in a getting drivers license in there! That would be a great asset to have!
Anyway, on that not I have a list to go and create! Will write them when I have a moment to !!!!
Have a very prosperous new year and If I don't write before then expect a great 2011!!!!!!!!
Monday, December 20, 2010
another day, another thought or 2!!
Well, it has been awhile, yet again, and I truly cannot complain much!
I have been working for almost a month and I still enjoying most of it. There are moments (usually when I mess up and know that I did) that I sit there and cringe, but there are more moments of enjoy than not want to. I am getting along with everyone and have even made my own friends. I had quite the compliment today even. I was told that I was too nice and friendly to be a cashier! I thought it was funny, but I took it as a good thing! And to my surprise, I have not had the wonderful occasion of grumpy customer yet (knock on wood).
As for weight loss.... I am so very surprised at wherei sit. I am 3 pounds away from the goal that I half heartedly set in November. If memory serves me right, I did not set the goal of weight loss, it was to watch what I was eating. Who would have known that loss of weight would occur! I assume with the going back to work and such that this has helped with the whole thing! Whatever it is thank goodness and I hope it will keep going! I am feeling pretty good about it all!
The not smoking goal is still kinda back burner for me. I am still watching the amount that I smoke, but I am not putting lots of effort and energy into it at the moment. I am going to give it a good push come the new year. Won't make it a by the end of the year resolution, not an as of the first resolution. Making it right then usually sets me up for failure. Wanna make sure I can put 110% into it. Not a half hearted attempt. The fast coming holidays are too much to stress about another thing!
Well, I think that is all. Am starting to think of goals for the next year. Think I am going to shoot big for next year. If the mood stays the way that it is right now, I am going to achieve big things next year! Might be the year to try and find a way to be just Carrie and I! Love the parents and having them around always.... It is time to be just me and her! Time to see how well I can be mom without the grandparents! That will be a wonderful experience!
If I do not write before..... have a wonderful holiday season and will talk again before the new year for sure. I will write my goals for 2011 then!
I have been working for almost a month and I still enjoying most of it. There are moments (usually when I mess up and know that I did) that I sit there and cringe, but there are more moments of enjoy than not want to. I am getting along with everyone and have even made my own friends. I had quite the compliment today even. I was told that I was too nice and friendly to be a cashier! I thought it was funny, but I took it as a good thing! And to my surprise, I have not had the wonderful occasion of grumpy customer yet (knock on wood).
As for weight loss.... I am so very surprised at wherei sit. I am 3 pounds away from the goal that I half heartedly set in November. If memory serves me right, I did not set the goal of weight loss, it was to watch what I was eating. Who would have known that loss of weight would occur! I assume with the going back to work and such that this has helped with the whole thing! Whatever it is thank goodness and I hope it will keep going! I am feeling pretty good about it all!
The not smoking goal is still kinda back burner for me. I am still watching the amount that I smoke, but I am not putting lots of effort and energy into it at the moment. I am going to give it a good push come the new year. Won't make it a by the end of the year resolution, not an as of the first resolution. Making it right then usually sets me up for failure. Wanna make sure I can put 110% into it. Not a half hearted attempt. The fast coming holidays are too much to stress about another thing!
Well, I think that is all. Am starting to think of goals for the next year. Think I am going to shoot big for next year. If the mood stays the way that it is right now, I am going to achieve big things next year! Might be the year to try and find a way to be just Carrie and I! Love the parents and having them around always.... It is time to be just me and her! Time to see how well I can be mom without the grandparents! That will be a wonderful experience!
If I do not write before..... have a wonderful holiday season and will talk again before the new year for sure. I will write my goals for 2011 then!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
long time no write!
Well, it has been a long while and things have happend.
I am now gainfully employed by Walmart. Have been since Novermber the 23rd! Has been kinda fun. Am enjoying the time away from Carrie and she seems to not mind that I am gone. Just the mornings that I am not home she wonders about me! lol Am kinda wondering about it though. Just seems kinda to weird and out there! Me at Walmart working with my mom. But, I'll get over it. Just wish everyone would stop going to my mom saying I doing ok and talking about me and comparing me to her. I expected it, but can't wait for it to stop.
As for the meals I have been doing fairly well. As of Monday I am 13 pounds down. Am quite surprised actually. Have not been watching as much I had last month, but it still going down. I like these kind of surprises. If all works well, I could make the goal of being 200 by new years!!!! When I started I thought that would be a nice idea, not really a goal. Now it almost seems attainable! YAY ME!!!
I am not really in the christmas spirit this year. Am trying to get there cuz I love christmas, but ust can't seem to get there! Maybe once the tree and decorations are up that might be different. I hope the tree changes my feeling of christmas.
That about all I can think of. I am tired so, I can't get too excited! Will talk more when I get the energy!
I am now gainfully employed by Walmart. Have been since Novermber the 23rd! Has been kinda fun. Am enjoying the time away from Carrie and she seems to not mind that I am gone. Just the mornings that I am not home she wonders about me! lol Am kinda wondering about it though. Just seems kinda to weird and out there! Me at Walmart working with my mom. But, I'll get over it. Just wish everyone would stop going to my mom saying I doing ok and talking about me and comparing me to her. I expected it, but can't wait for it to stop.
As for the meals I have been doing fairly well. As of Monday I am 13 pounds down. Am quite surprised actually. Have not been watching as much I had last month, but it still going down. I like these kind of surprises. If all works well, I could make the goal of being 200 by new years!!!! When I started I thought that would be a nice idea, not really a goal. Now it almost seems attainable! YAY ME!!!
I am not really in the christmas spirit this year. Am trying to get there cuz I love christmas, but ust can't seem to get there! Maybe once the tree and decorations are up that might be different. I hope the tree changes my feeling of christmas.
That about all I can think of. I am tired so, I can't get too excited! Will talk more when I get the energy!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Day 13... I think
OK. 13 days of cutting back meals and such. As it stands I am down 9 pounds and feeling pretty good about it. I did know that the big loss would slow quite quickly, so here I sit. Although 4 pounds in a week is not bad either!! I sure will take it. Actually I didn't expect that much of a loss right away anyway. Is nice to see some of the reward already!!!
I know 9 pounds isn't alot, but I (for some odd reason) expected to put my pants on and have some big change in size. It was kinda funny, I was getting mad at myself for not fitting them. Then I put the realization in my head that it is only 9 pounds, not 50!! then I laughed at myself for it! The trying on the pants did make me wanna push even more to get into them comfortably again! So, I am stating this and allowing people to kick my butt for not doing it! Yes, that means you!!! lol. I am going to add exercise every day. I put some in 2 or 3 times this week, but I will admit it was half hearted and no where near enough. So, I gonna make it more from the heart and MORE of it! I am sick and tired of being fat and not being able to put ANY of my pants on comfortably and having the rolls cover over and having a bigger belly than boobs. The last one will be very difficult to get to considering I have small boobs! I Don't want to be skinny minnie, but smaller would be wonderful. If I haven't said it before my ultimate goal is be under 167 pounds. That is the lowerest number I ever remember on the scale! First goal is to hit the 200 pound mark. That way I be the same weight as I was in January!
As for the job I applied for in the wonderful world of Walmart. I am now a full fledged member of the team. I have orientation on Tuesday and Wednesday and then I get to start working. I am excited and scared too. Am very excited to get some time away from the princess. Think it will be good for the both of us! and the little bit of money doesn't hurt either!. I not sure how I am going to do with cranky customers though. Being christmas and a cashier will be interesting!
Can't wait to see what next week brings!
I know 9 pounds isn't alot, but I (for some odd reason) expected to put my pants on and have some big change in size. It was kinda funny, I was getting mad at myself for not fitting them. Then I put the realization in my head that it is only 9 pounds, not 50!! then I laughed at myself for it! The trying on the pants did make me wanna push even more to get into them comfortably again! So, I am stating this and allowing people to kick my butt for not doing it! Yes, that means you!!! lol. I am going to add exercise every day. I put some in 2 or 3 times this week, but I will admit it was half hearted and no where near enough. So, I gonna make it more from the heart and MORE of it! I am sick and tired of being fat and not being able to put ANY of my pants on comfortably and having the rolls cover over and having a bigger belly than boobs. The last one will be very difficult to get to considering I have small boobs! I Don't want to be skinny minnie, but smaller would be wonderful. If I haven't said it before my ultimate goal is be under 167 pounds. That is the lowerest number I ever remember on the scale! First goal is to hit the 200 pound mark. That way I be the same weight as I was in January!
As for the job I applied for in the wonderful world of Walmart. I am now a full fledged member of the team. I have orientation on Tuesday and Wednesday and then I get to start working. I am excited and scared too. Am very excited to get some time away from the princess. Think it will be good for the both of us! and the little bit of money doesn't hurt either!. I not sure how I am going to do with cranky customers though. Being christmas and a cashier will be interesting!
Can't wait to see what next week brings!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 10
Not sure why I am counting the days. Just feels like a neat thing to do! Anyway, I am feeling pretty good today! Within the week last week I have lost 6 pounds. Which means I am at 214 (as of Monday). What can I say other than WOW. I was totally amazed that I dropped that much by just cutting back the portions I was eating and putting more of the good stuff on the plate! I am still amazed! Can't believe that it is going that fast. I have to keep reminding myself how good this does feel to see results quickly. I am thankful for a quick result like this. I am quite the type to get discouraged quickly and be done with it! After all this is a big change that has lots of work to it. Just nice to see it pay off so quick! I am so psyched to continue now. Once I noticed the weight I immediatly thought, ok let keep it going. So I have put more exercise in. I wanna see how much more gets lost with a little exercise. It hasn't been large amounts BUT it is 20 minutes each day more active than I was last week! I have been walking the tread mill while Carrie asleep. Have gotten 20 yesterday and 20 so far today! I broke a sweat both times. But that is a good thing!
At the same time I have applied for a job. It is a job that I have been bugging my family that I would never do, but I did it. I applied at Walmart. I keep telling everyone that I don't want to add to our walmart family. Carrie and I the only 2 that have not worked at walmart!!! But I did it. Was talking to one of the ladies that does the scheduling the other day (I know her from the many visits to pick up mom) and she stated that she could make life easy by making my schedule the same or as close as she could to my moms schedule. That would make life way too easy! Car pool with mom and have dad babysit for me! This way the only inconvenience is having dad stay home. But once the money starts coming in, I can find a daycare or home for her to stay the day and dad can have his days back!! Now I just got to get a job with them! Here is to hoping! Would be great to bring in some money and get out of the house more often! I think it is time for Carrie and I to start having breaks from each other. We are getting bored with the things that we do together. For as much as I bring in new things it still is quite boring!
Anyway... Think all is said and done. Time to go and entertain the little darling!
One last note...... I sure do like this upswing. Am going to hang on to it for as long as possible! or as long as the fates have it coming to me! lol..... just kidding. I know I make my own happiness! and I intend to do it. Be sure to kick my ass if I start faltering again. I give full permission!
At the same time I have applied for a job. It is a job that I have been bugging my family that I would never do, but I did it. I applied at Walmart. I keep telling everyone that I don't want to add to our walmart family. Carrie and I the only 2 that have not worked at walmart!!! But I did it. Was talking to one of the ladies that does the scheduling the other day (I know her from the many visits to pick up mom) and she stated that she could make life easy by making my schedule the same or as close as she could to my moms schedule. That would make life way too easy! Car pool with mom and have dad babysit for me! This way the only inconvenience is having dad stay home. But once the money starts coming in, I can find a daycare or home for her to stay the day and dad can have his days back!! Now I just got to get a job with them! Here is to hoping! Would be great to bring in some money and get out of the house more often! I think it is time for Carrie and I to start having breaks from each other. We are getting bored with the things that we do together. For as much as I bring in new things it still is quite boring!
Anyway... Think all is said and done. Time to go and entertain the little darling!
One last note...... I sure do like this upswing. Am going to hang on to it for as long as possible! or as long as the fates have it coming to me! lol..... just kidding. I know I make my own happiness! and I intend to do it. Be sure to kick my ass if I start faltering again. I give full permission!
Friday, November 12, 2010
DAY 5
Well, it has been a week. All I can say is wow I made it! There were some rough moments where I was wondering if I was going to be able to make it to the next meal, but I always did. And funny enough, most times I made it without hunger. I guess I was really aver eating and not realizing it. We figured out the kinks throughout the week for things that we could cut or do differently. We even tested things and had my favorite breakfast this morning. I LOVE my dad's pancakes and can usually eat 4 or so. They tasted so good that is was hard to so just 2, but I did it! Carrie wonders whey we eating less than usual and she is starting to follow it too. She tells me, not so much mommy. To this I say ok, but if you still hungry after you can have more. The hard part is when she gets to have a candy or something and wants to share with mommy and mommy says no thank you. She has gotten mad at me saying no. Guess it is just as big of a change for her as it is for me.
Big surprise. I was going to get on the scale on Monday, make it a weekly thing. I couldn't stay away this morning. I know the chances of seeing a difference was not too likely, but I had to check! And SURPRISE!!! I was down 5 pounds. YAY ME!!! I was ssoo excited. I was at 220 on Monday and 215 on Friday. To those that say ah its just fluctuating weight lose and not really a loss..... suck it up. I am down 5 pounds and nothing is going to bring that down!!! That is what I needed to see. I know it will be slow, but the idea that it was down over being the same was a wonderful feeling. Enough to renew my drive and keep going with a vengance!
On the front of smoking, it is up again. With the focus on watching when and what I am eating there are times that I needed something to take the mind off of when the next meal was I smoked. It is after a glass or two of water and trying to find something else to do. Just haven't found the thing to do instead of it yet. Am going to keep trying different things to revanmp what I am doing. I know, one crutch for another. It will all work out though. Get the kinks out of one before the other. Slow and steady!!!
Think this weekend is going to be quite the challenge. I have visitors at the house for the weekend and a get together at the house tomorrow and a possible dinner and movie afterward. Good thing I have that boost of confidence. Would not want to lose that 5 pounds that I am ahead of the game. Is a good idea to let my dinner companion know before we go out. This will allow them to be aware of what we need to watch!
Will inform all how it all went on Monday when I do an official weigh in!!! lol
Big surprise. I was going to get on the scale on Monday, make it a weekly thing. I couldn't stay away this morning. I know the chances of seeing a difference was not too likely, but I had to check! And SURPRISE!!! I was down 5 pounds. YAY ME!!! I was ssoo excited. I was at 220 on Monday and 215 on Friday. To those that say ah its just fluctuating weight lose and not really a loss..... suck it up. I am down 5 pounds and nothing is going to bring that down!!! That is what I needed to see. I know it will be slow, but the idea that it was down over being the same was a wonderful feeling. Enough to renew my drive and keep going with a vengance!
On the front of smoking, it is up again. With the focus on watching when and what I am eating there are times that I needed something to take the mind off of when the next meal was I smoked. It is after a glass or two of water and trying to find something else to do. Just haven't found the thing to do instead of it yet. Am going to keep trying different things to revanmp what I am doing. I know, one crutch for another. It will all work out though. Get the kinks out of one before the other. Slow and steady!!!
Think this weekend is going to be quite the challenge. I have visitors at the house for the weekend and a get together at the house tomorrow and a possible dinner and movie afterward. Good thing I have that boost of confidence. Would not want to lose that 5 pounds that I am ahead of the game. Is a good idea to let my dinner companion know before we go out. This will allow them to be aware of what we need to watch!
Will inform all how it all went on Monday when I do an official weigh in!!! lol
Monday, November 8, 2010
day 1
Well, I am on day 1 of a reduction plan and to be truthful it was a difficult day. Not that any of it is really hard, just a little more preperation. It sounds kinda silly and non sensical but this is how it works. You get what you normally would eat at a meal and once it is ready you put half of everything but the veggies and fruit in a container and eat what is left. Yes, that is a little crazy, but it cuts the portions of things in half, which means cutting the calories in half!!! The only good thing is that I have all of the meals planned for tomorrow already. Well, everything but the cereal and milk. That is kinda nasty to have day old cereal (especially sitting in milk). I did give the rest to Carrie so she was happy. The cutting the extra little snacks out was hard too. Things like sneaking a smartie when giving them to Carrie or whatever. You really have to watch what you are doing all the time.
Have to admit you watch every little thing when you are watching what you eat. I could not believe all the little things that you don't even think of throughout the day! As I sit here, I am hungry. Starving actually and craving a pop. I know, it is just the first day thing. I am not going to deprive myself of all of the good things, just cut back. There is no need to have drinks of pop every day or to have chips every day. They are extra things and not food staples. I am thinking 1 of each a week would be a good thing to reach for. Or even a bigger stretch than that. Will work towards once a week. If I can limit it towards that I think I will be well on the way to decreasing the intake of calories.
Big thing to remember........ decrease calories in, increase calorie use!!!!! more out than in! ! !
Notice these are the reminders to myself. Have to keep reminding myself, so that I keep all this stuff in my head.
One last thing I need to remember.......................... I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN!!! oh wait, should be I know I can!!!
Have to admit you watch every little thing when you are watching what you eat. I could not believe all the little things that you don't even think of throughout the day! As I sit here, I am hungry. Starving actually and craving a pop. I know, it is just the first day thing. I am not going to deprive myself of all of the good things, just cut back. There is no need to have drinks of pop every day or to have chips every day. They are extra things and not food staples. I am thinking 1 of each a week would be a good thing to reach for. Or even a bigger stretch than that. Will work towards once a week. If I can limit it towards that I think I will be well on the way to decreasing the intake of calories.
Big thing to remember........ decrease calories in, increase calorie use!!!!! more out than in! ! !
Notice these are the reminders to myself. Have to keep reminding myself, so that I keep all this stuff in my head.
One last thing I need to remember.......................... I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN!!! oh wait, should be I know I can!!!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Not sure what it will be!
Well, it has been quite a little while and I guess it truly is time.
Good news, a dear friend is back in the city (I think anyway). Wish to welcome her back and have big hugs to her soon. Think we both need the hugs muchly!
After a month of sitting on my ASS doing nothing but wonder why the heck I can't do anything it occured to me. I can't do anything because I think I can't do anything!. Am working on ways to see that I can do something and anything that I can put my mind too. Am starting with little things and working towards other things. Such things as to do lists and achieving those things. Another thing that I am starting to do is writing down one thing every day that was good or great about each day. Have been also taking more pics to try and truly capture it all!!! Pic's not working too well (I no good a pictures), but I trying! lol
Like today. I had a pretty good day. Was out for most of the day. And I was out without my baby for all that I was away. Went to a carreer fair and shopping and cutting my hair. There was one pot hole within the entire day. I also went to see my doctor. It is official, I am at the second highest weight of my life. The only other time was when I was pregnant and that weight doesn't count because there were 2 of us!!!! It not getting me down too badly though. Was a good excuse to let my mother in on some of the things in my head. So, as of Monday her and I are going to be healthier people. We gonna start with this little calorie reduction challenge thing I saw in a paper. It is just a reduce what you eat and add simple exercise into it. It is as simple as 3 flights of stairs within the day. Of course mom doesn't have to add anything cuz she moves alot at work. This could be just the thing I need to jump start it all.
Focus has changed to weight over smoking. Although smoking is not thrown out yet. Am still watching what I am doing and when and am making an effort to keep to half a pack a day. There are more days of under a pack than over a pack.... so not a loss!!!!!
Wow I wrote an all positive statement (I think). yay me! Sure someone will pick something out of it, but that ok too!!!!
Good news, a dear friend is back in the city (I think anyway). Wish to welcome her back and have big hugs to her soon. Think we both need the hugs muchly!
After a month of sitting on my ASS doing nothing but wonder why the heck I can't do anything it occured to me. I can't do anything because I think I can't do anything!. Am working on ways to see that I can do something and anything that I can put my mind too. Am starting with little things and working towards other things. Such things as to do lists and achieving those things. Another thing that I am starting to do is writing down one thing every day that was good or great about each day. Have been also taking more pics to try and truly capture it all!!! Pic's not working too well (I no good a pictures), but I trying! lol
Like today. I had a pretty good day. Was out for most of the day. And I was out without my baby for all that I was away. Went to a carreer fair and shopping and cutting my hair. There was one pot hole within the entire day. I also went to see my doctor. It is official, I am at the second highest weight of my life. The only other time was when I was pregnant and that weight doesn't count because there were 2 of us!!!! It not getting me down too badly though. Was a good excuse to let my mother in on some of the things in my head. So, as of Monday her and I are going to be healthier people. We gonna start with this little calorie reduction challenge thing I saw in a paper. It is just a reduce what you eat and add simple exercise into it. It is as simple as 3 flights of stairs within the day. Of course mom doesn't have to add anything cuz she moves alot at work. This could be just the thing I need to jump start it all.
Focus has changed to weight over smoking. Although smoking is not thrown out yet. Am still watching what I am doing and when and am making an effort to keep to half a pack a day. There are more days of under a pack than over a pack.... so not a loss!!!!!
Wow I wrote an all positive statement (I think). yay me! Sure someone will pick something out of it, but that ok too!!!!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Back on the wagon!
ok.... has been about a week since that little spurt of 'beat myself up' mentality. Has been quite the week. Lots of ups and downs throughout the week. Am getting back on board with my health. Was able to make appointments for all the things the doc wants me to do! So, that is back on track.
As of today my goal is 13 cigarettes!. Need to get back on tis wagon. As someone once said, you never truly fail unless you give up! So we will call that little fallback a fall off the wagon. A regroup if you will. Now, time to change it and go again. As I cut back I am thinking of things that I need to change in order to make it easier for me this time! My biggest hurdle is always having it around me. It is too easy, quick and without thought to light up when someone else does! Am leary to tell those around me though. Have put them through too many hairbrain ideas that I never completed. I don't need another false yay me from them. The knowing that in the back of their minds they are saying ya right. Think this is the big challenge. The wow factor if I pulled this off would be great! Tis easy to stop for a few days..... it would be the long haul that would get me! lol
Seems the motivation is not as high as it was the last time that I started all of this. Is the learyness that I will not succeed once again! Am trying to change it to I will NOT fail again, but I too much of a realist to let that be the main ideal!
As of today my goal is 13 cigarettes!. Need to get back on tis wagon. As someone once said, you never truly fail unless you give up! So we will call that little fallback a fall off the wagon. A regroup if you will. Now, time to change it and go again. As I cut back I am thinking of things that I need to change in order to make it easier for me this time! My biggest hurdle is always having it around me. It is too easy, quick and without thought to light up when someone else does! Am leary to tell those around me though. Have put them through too many hairbrain ideas that I never completed. I don't need another false yay me from them. The knowing that in the back of their minds they are saying ya right. Think this is the big challenge. The wow factor if I pulled this off would be great! Tis easy to stop for a few days..... it would be the long haul that would get me! lol
Seems the motivation is not as high as it was the last time that I started all of this. Is the learyness that I will not succeed once again! Am trying to change it to I will NOT fail again, but I too much of a realist to let that be the main ideal!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
uh oh!!!!
Well, it has been quite awhile since the last time that I posted. And boy have things changed, and not in a good way. There is no good progress in anything that I have planned and worked towards. I have lost all gumtion to do any of the goals that I have set myself up for. All of the reasons why are still there, just can't I muster enough of myself to continue with what I need to do. Am back to smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not caring at all about how I feel or weigh!
Can't tell you exactly what changed. Was kind of a wake up one morning without any motivation to keep trying. I mean, really, what can I change!. I am only one and it is too easy to not change over the change. What part of all of this did I do wrong. I keep letting the non motivation win and I don't know how to change it! maybe I don't want to change it!
Who knows what is going on with me. All I know is that I have failed all that believe (again).
Please stand by for another small spurt of motivation, only to be flawed with the lake of persistance that always breaks me!!!
Can't tell you exactly what changed. Was kind of a wake up one morning without any motivation to keep trying. I mean, really, what can I change!. I am only one and it is too easy to not change over the change. What part of all of this did I do wrong. I keep letting the non motivation win and I don't know how to change it! maybe I don't want to change it!
Who knows what is going on with me. All I know is that I have failed all that believe (again).
Please stand by for another small spurt of motivation, only to be flawed with the lake of persistance that always breaks me!!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
A quicky!!!!
well, just a quick note regarding the stopping smoking effective today.
I did not stop smoking today! Yes, I know, a little disappointing. BUT before anyone gets come on... get to it already and yada yada here is what I did do today. This morning I had 8 smokes in my pack and as of right now I have 2 left. So 6, maybe 7 by bed time, is not bad at all! That is a very small cry from where I was when I first started. So, I think that is an ok thing that I can keep the cutting sown. I do realize that 1 smoke is too many for my health but 7 is better than the 25 I was at. That is almost 20 down from the get go.
I don't care what anyone says I am going to put this as a win for the day!! To me that is a good thing.
Was a shame that it was raining this morning. Was hoping to go to the park, but that was a bust. Will do it some time this week.
That is all for now!
I did not stop smoking today! Yes, I know, a little disappointing. BUT before anyone gets come on... get to it already and yada yada here is what I did do today. This morning I had 8 smokes in my pack and as of right now I have 2 left. So 6, maybe 7 by bed time, is not bad at all! That is a very small cry from where I was when I first started. So, I think that is an ok thing that I can keep the cutting sown. I do realize that 1 smoke is too many for my health but 7 is better than the 25 I was at. That is almost 20 down from the get go.
I don't care what anyone says I am going to put this as a win for the day!! To me that is a good thing.
Was a shame that it was raining this morning. Was hoping to go to the park, but that was a bust. Will do it some time this week.
That is all for now!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wonderful Visitor
Carrie and I had a wonderful visit tonight. Was from a dear old friend that has come around once in awhile but not often enough! We chatted, we laughed, and we took pictures. First time that Carrie and I have officially taken pictures together! Is a monumental thing. It is the showing that she is mine and I am hers. I know we mean lots to many people but we mean the most to each other. Isn't that the way it is suppost to be!! Was a wonderful evening, which made up for the day. Carrie and I were both kinda cranky for the day. Not like clashing cranky, just cranky.
I can't believe how quickly Carrie has grown. It seems like yesterday I brought her home and I was doing was feeding her and changing her bum. Now its feed her, change her, play with her, let her play on own, teach her things, and put her to bed on her own. She is sleeping in her own bedroom. Granted it has only been 3 days, but still. Brings a tear to the eye to think of how much less she needs me than when she was first born. I know I know, she still needs me and I will gladly be there for anything she needs. Just seems to be happening so quickly.
Ok, enough about that on to me! Lets see. Went to the dentist last week. Have 2 cavities. That not bad considering I haven't been to a dentist in 10 or more years. So, I go get them filled next week and then oral care is done for 6 months.
As for getting checked out and getting a regular doctor. I was to call on the 23rd to make a physical appointment for the month of October. I called 20 minutes after the office opened and there were no openings for the month, so I wait til the end of October to call and see about Novermber. If that doesn't suck I don't know what does. Was really excited about seeing if everything is ok and now I have to wait longer. What kind of system is that!!! I do however have an ultrasound appointment to make sure all is ok in the abdomen! that is next week too so that will be interesting!
Weight loss is there. No real change with anything, although I am doing more work at the moment. Moving my stuff into one room and moving that room into my room means more trips up and down the stairs, so I guess that helps! Will see if there is any real change on Thursday. Am making Thursday morning my weigh and measure time. Don't want to do it every day due to becoming obsessive about it, but still want to track the progress!
Lastly, the smoking. Was doing well. Was down to 8 smokes for a day or two and then it happend again. Things came up and smokes came into play and I right back up there. Am not up to the 25 before it all started, but was close on Saturday. So, am thinking of just forgetting about the cutting things down and just go for it. After all, there is no temptations here at the moment. Is just me and my baby here today. The only thing that is stopping that is I do not know how when I really in need of that smoke, what will I do. Anything but take it out on my baby!! That is my scary thought! Chances are I have that so prominent in my mind that I would not, but she doesn't deserve it. Yes, I know, I am just making excuses and talking myself out of it. I wonder how long I could go without a cigarette?? hhhmmmm.... think I just thought of a new way to think about it! I not quitting, I seeing how long I can go without a cigarette! See if I can make it longer than last time I quit. Made it a whole 111 days before officially lighting up again! I wonder.... 111 days from tomorrow would be January 13th. That doesn't seem like very long away!
I CAN do it.... I know I can. Now show everyone I can do it. I deserve to change, Carrie deserves the change, and everyone else deserves to see the change. It may not seem big to many people, but it could mean the world to me.
Just a thought I had. I know I have 1 avid reader to the blog, but I do wonder if anyone else reads this. And if they do.... do they think I crazy or is it just more of the same or what. I guess I always wonder what others are thinking! It just crossed my mind, so I thought I would type it out!
A thought for tomorrow. Am thinking of packing a lunch and taking my little girl to the park for the day tomorrow. We should go there at some point tomorrow. Would mean a 10 minute bike ride and lots of playing at the park. Also would mean I could be even forther away from the temptation of smoking! Hopefully it is not going to rain tonight and botch that plan. Then we have Uncle Pat coming to Visit (with the dog) and stay on Wednesday. Thursday is swimming with Arianna and the kids, and Saturday is the family is coming home. So, pretty busy for the next little while. Just have to find something to keep busy with on Friday. Sure I will think of something to do. If nothing else the last of the gardenning needs to be done!!!
I can't believe how quickly Carrie has grown. It seems like yesterday I brought her home and I was doing was feeding her and changing her bum. Now its feed her, change her, play with her, let her play on own, teach her things, and put her to bed on her own. She is sleeping in her own bedroom. Granted it has only been 3 days, but still. Brings a tear to the eye to think of how much less she needs me than when she was first born. I know I know, she still needs me and I will gladly be there for anything she needs. Just seems to be happening so quickly.
Ok, enough about that on to me! Lets see. Went to the dentist last week. Have 2 cavities. That not bad considering I haven't been to a dentist in 10 or more years. So, I go get them filled next week and then oral care is done for 6 months.
As for getting checked out and getting a regular doctor. I was to call on the 23rd to make a physical appointment for the month of October. I called 20 minutes after the office opened and there were no openings for the month, so I wait til the end of October to call and see about Novermber. If that doesn't suck I don't know what does. Was really excited about seeing if everything is ok and now I have to wait longer. What kind of system is that!!! I do however have an ultrasound appointment to make sure all is ok in the abdomen! that is next week too so that will be interesting!
Weight loss is there. No real change with anything, although I am doing more work at the moment. Moving my stuff into one room and moving that room into my room means more trips up and down the stairs, so I guess that helps! Will see if there is any real change on Thursday. Am making Thursday morning my weigh and measure time. Don't want to do it every day due to becoming obsessive about it, but still want to track the progress!
Lastly, the smoking. Was doing well. Was down to 8 smokes for a day or two and then it happend again. Things came up and smokes came into play and I right back up there. Am not up to the 25 before it all started, but was close on Saturday. So, am thinking of just forgetting about the cutting things down and just go for it. After all, there is no temptations here at the moment. Is just me and my baby here today. The only thing that is stopping that is I do not know how when I really in need of that smoke, what will I do. Anything but take it out on my baby!! That is my scary thought! Chances are I have that so prominent in my mind that I would not, but she doesn't deserve it. Yes, I know, I am just making excuses and talking myself out of it. I wonder how long I could go without a cigarette?? hhhmmmm.... think I just thought of a new way to think about it! I not quitting, I seeing how long I can go without a cigarette! See if I can make it longer than last time I quit. Made it a whole 111 days before officially lighting up again! I wonder.... 111 days from tomorrow would be January 13th. That doesn't seem like very long away!
I CAN do it.... I know I can. Now show everyone I can do it. I deserve to change, Carrie deserves the change, and everyone else deserves to see the change. It may not seem big to many people, but it could mean the world to me.
Just a thought I had. I know I have 1 avid reader to the blog, but I do wonder if anyone else reads this. And if they do.... do they think I crazy or is it just more of the same or what. I guess I always wonder what others are thinking! It just crossed my mind, so I thought I would type it out!
A thought for tomorrow. Am thinking of packing a lunch and taking my little girl to the park for the day tomorrow. We should go there at some point tomorrow. Would mean a 10 minute bike ride and lots of playing at the park. Also would mean I could be even forther away from the temptation of smoking! Hopefully it is not going to rain tonight and botch that plan. Then we have Uncle Pat coming to Visit (with the dog) and stay on Wednesday. Thursday is swimming with Arianna and the kids, and Saturday is the family is coming home. So, pretty busy for the next little while. Just have to find something to keep busy with on Friday. Sure I will think of something to do. If nothing else the last of the gardenning needs to be done!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Where has it all gone!!!
Well, it has been awhile and there isn't much to tell. I am still a smoker, and no lighter and losing all hope and faith in anything. Was very gun ho in the begining, now the luster is gone.
Was doing very well before the weekend. I was down to 10 cigarettes for Thurs and Friday then Saturday hit. Just didn't feel like watching or anything like that, so 16 smokes were consumed. Then Sunday was a bust with the idea that if I can slide once I can twice. 12 smokes had that day. So, got back on the wagon on Monday...well kinda, just cut down from saturday. 11 smokes yesterday were consumed.
Today is a better day. Am at 8.5 smokes so far. Will be at 9 before the end of the night. Had made a goal of 10 smokes today. So, I guess I can do it. Now to keep it going. Today wasn't too hard to make it through. Sure there were moments that all I wanted to do was smoke, but those moments passed and I kept going!! Tomorrow the goal is 9 (I think). Am going to make it 9, but will push to see if 8 can be achieved. The more I can cut down this week the better things may be for me.
If all goes right I am going to become smoke free early next week. This is if the wagon doesn't push me off first. The plan is : next week the house will be free of smokers, so if I can be without the extra influence for the first couple of days that may give me a good start. I haven't told anyone over the age of 3 in the house that I intend to quit at all. From what I see they have noticed something, but haven't put 2 and 2 together yet. I wanted to do this totally on my own and for me. Don't need the quirky comments or silent pauses or anything else they wanna or could give me. I want surprise and quiet wait for me to either succeed or fail!!! This may just give me the added push to prove them wrong. As stated earlier a big plus will be there will be no other smokers in the house. The cons of doing this is that it is just me and my daughter in the house. No real means of escape if needed for the cravings. Another con is due to the family not knowing, they are going to make sure that I am fully prepared for the week away. This includes making sure I have enough smokes to cover the week. So, although no one will be smoking, there will still be the allure of cigarettes within the house! Will have to plan to make sure that they are not TOO accessible to me. Guess I have to have the temptation around. Won't be long before it will be here on a daily and hourly basis. Better get used to it early!
With this week of family being gone, I am also attempting one other thing. My daughter is going to be sleeping in her own room and on her own during this week. This means that she is moving into a new room upstairs and is not going to have the security of a mom really close by when awoken! Will be a very interesting week. Sure it will be difficult at times, but worth the end result. Will make bed time a whole lot easier and easier for babysitters to put her to sleep when the time comes! Have got to keep reminding myself of the freedom that the both of us will have in the end!!
As for health and weight loss. Have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and have to make appointments for my physical and skin tag removal on Thursday. Also have an ultrasound booked for early October to make sure all is well in my stomach and abdomin. That is where the health sits. At the moment I am not making weight loss a huge issue. Am trying to make sure I do active things when the craving hit, but am not making a bid deal of not loosing any weight. Am watching to make sure the weight does not go up much further than where I sit at the moment. Did take measurements though...... weight 224........ bust 45 inches.... waist 52 inches and hips 48 inches. No gain since I started to write here, so I guess that is a good thing! will see what next couple weeks bring with that as well!
Think that is all for now! am getting tired!
Was doing very well before the weekend. I was down to 10 cigarettes for Thurs and Friday then Saturday hit. Just didn't feel like watching or anything like that, so 16 smokes were consumed. Then Sunday was a bust with the idea that if I can slide once I can twice. 12 smokes had that day. So, got back on the wagon on Monday...well kinda, just cut down from saturday. 11 smokes yesterday were consumed.
Today is a better day. Am at 8.5 smokes so far. Will be at 9 before the end of the night. Had made a goal of 10 smokes today. So, I guess I can do it. Now to keep it going. Today wasn't too hard to make it through. Sure there were moments that all I wanted to do was smoke, but those moments passed and I kept going!! Tomorrow the goal is 9 (I think). Am going to make it 9, but will push to see if 8 can be achieved. The more I can cut down this week the better things may be for me.
If all goes right I am going to become smoke free early next week. This is if the wagon doesn't push me off first. The plan is : next week the house will be free of smokers, so if I can be without the extra influence for the first couple of days that may give me a good start. I haven't told anyone over the age of 3 in the house that I intend to quit at all. From what I see they have noticed something, but haven't put 2 and 2 together yet. I wanted to do this totally on my own and for me. Don't need the quirky comments or silent pauses or anything else they wanna or could give me. I want surprise and quiet wait for me to either succeed or fail!!! This may just give me the added push to prove them wrong. As stated earlier a big plus will be there will be no other smokers in the house. The cons of doing this is that it is just me and my daughter in the house. No real means of escape if needed for the cravings. Another con is due to the family not knowing, they are going to make sure that I am fully prepared for the week away. This includes making sure I have enough smokes to cover the week. So, although no one will be smoking, there will still be the allure of cigarettes within the house! Will have to plan to make sure that they are not TOO accessible to me. Guess I have to have the temptation around. Won't be long before it will be here on a daily and hourly basis. Better get used to it early!
With this week of family being gone, I am also attempting one other thing. My daughter is going to be sleeping in her own room and on her own during this week. This means that she is moving into a new room upstairs and is not going to have the security of a mom really close by when awoken! Will be a very interesting week. Sure it will be difficult at times, but worth the end result. Will make bed time a whole lot easier and easier for babysitters to put her to sleep when the time comes! Have got to keep reminding myself of the freedom that the both of us will have in the end!!
As for health and weight loss. Have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and have to make appointments for my physical and skin tag removal on Thursday. Also have an ultrasound booked for early October to make sure all is well in my stomach and abdomin. That is where the health sits. At the moment I am not making weight loss a huge issue. Am trying to make sure I do active things when the craving hit, but am not making a bid deal of not loosing any weight. Am watching to make sure the weight does not go up much further than where I sit at the moment. Did take measurements though...... weight 224........ bust 45 inches.... waist 52 inches and hips 48 inches. No gain since I started to write here, so I guess that is a good thing! will see what next couple weeks bring with that as well!
Think that is all for now! am getting tired!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
What to do today??
I sit here as my baby watches a TV show and ponder what to do?? Things I should be doing is something active and easy to get away from the smoking. So, options for today: wash windows, vaccuum floors and clean bathroom.
Got 4 windows done, the floor is done and I didn't go near the bathroom with her up. Too many nasty chemicals to worry about with her around.
Here is how things are truly going. Guess I should tell you how I am doing things before I say how I am doing. Well, through a weeks worth of baselining I found that the average amount of cigarettes I go through in a day is 20. So I started with 15 yesterday and am going to see what comes from there. Yesterday was really difficult. I found that I ran out of cigarettes before the day was done. So, I made it a point to go to bed when Carrie did so I would not be sitting around craving and wanting and break things on the first day. Today was alot easier. I am very close to going to bed and I still have 3 smokes left. Big difference from the 2 days. Am going to do 1 more day of 15 and Thursday I am going to cut it down to 13. Give that 2 or 3 days and go from there. Am going to cut at least 1 smoke out every couple of days. Slowly but surely it will cut down to none and then I be a none smoker. Am giving myself until Oct 11 to be down to none, am hoping for sooner though. Think by the time I get down to a couple I may just say screw it and go cold turkey from there. Will see when we get that close!
As for loss of weight I woke early enough to do almost a whole exercise movie today. Was excited that I made it through most of it! I have truly realized that I am SSOOO out of shape. Was sweating before the warm up was over. I figure if I can do a couple movies every week then that is a start. Would love to do walks around the neighborhood, but I fear with a toddler the walk would be snail walk (not effective for getting heart rate up). Although she does like to watch me go up the stairs.
Am thinking of putting full statistics on here. Weight, measurements and pictures too. This way I have a documented area that not only others can see, but I can too!!! This way I will have before and after pics to compare.
Nothing really new or exciting going on here. Am doing the last of the moves for Carrie to have her bed in her bedroom upstairs. This way she can have her own room. Is going to be a big change, but it will be good for us (I think). It will probably be a bigger change for me than her. I really like being so close to her so I can hear her breathe and stir!!! Oh well, guess that has to come eventually!
Got 4 windows done, the floor is done and I didn't go near the bathroom with her up. Too many nasty chemicals to worry about with her around.
Here is how things are truly going. Guess I should tell you how I am doing things before I say how I am doing. Well, through a weeks worth of baselining I found that the average amount of cigarettes I go through in a day is 20. So I started with 15 yesterday and am going to see what comes from there. Yesterday was really difficult. I found that I ran out of cigarettes before the day was done. So, I made it a point to go to bed when Carrie did so I would not be sitting around craving and wanting and break things on the first day. Today was alot easier. I am very close to going to bed and I still have 3 smokes left. Big difference from the 2 days. Am going to do 1 more day of 15 and Thursday I am going to cut it down to 13. Give that 2 or 3 days and go from there. Am going to cut at least 1 smoke out every couple of days. Slowly but surely it will cut down to none and then I be a none smoker. Am giving myself until Oct 11 to be down to none, am hoping for sooner though. Think by the time I get down to a couple I may just say screw it and go cold turkey from there. Will see when we get that close!
As for loss of weight I woke early enough to do almost a whole exercise movie today. Was excited that I made it through most of it! I have truly realized that I am SSOOO out of shape. Was sweating before the warm up was over. I figure if I can do a couple movies every week then that is a start. Would love to do walks around the neighborhood, but I fear with a toddler the walk would be snail walk (not effective for getting heart rate up). Although she does like to watch me go up the stairs.
Am thinking of putting full statistics on here. Weight, measurements and pictures too. This way I have a documented area that not only others can see, but I can too!!! This way I will have before and after pics to compare.
Nothing really new or exciting going on here. Am doing the last of the moves for Carrie to have her bed in her bedroom upstairs. This way she can have her own room. Is going to be a big change, but it will be good for us (I think). It will probably be a bigger change for me than her. I really like being so close to her so I can hear her breathe and stir!!! Oh well, guess that has to come eventually!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I saw him again!!!
Well, my brithday has come and gone. Was pretty uneventful morning. Had a cranky baby from the wake up.... so back to bed she went until 11:30. Then pancakes and a change of plans. Was suppost to go to sisters for dinner and a night over there, but lines got crossed and she worked the evening. So, that was a bust. Was going to spend the day at home with my baby doing everything boring and the same. Then we decided that we could go and see this ho down thing at the Rez. And that is where I saw him again.
Was wondering if he was going to be there and he initially wasn't there. Had Carrie jumping in the big moon walk jumpy thing, I turned around and tada... he came around the corner. It was as though I was meant to turn around just at that moment. OH the hair, the eyes, that smile and that bum!!! I melted at that moment, as I always do when he comes around.
Then without warning he surprises me again. He does this every once in awhile. I have known for a long time that he is a good native singer and drummer, but it was recently that I saw him play a guitar. There was a surprise. Then he amazed me farther by showing me that he could dance. Another big surprise. And today the surprise was he could sing (in English) and play guitar at the same time. He sang 2 Johnny Cash song and my ears were amazed! I could have just taken him backstage and smothered him with love at that moment.
Ok, my mind could have smothered him with love. That is the thing. I can look and smile and imagine all the wonderful things, but when it comes time I do nothing. Case and point : later that day I had Carrie in the jumpy thing again and he brought his girlfriends kids there and he was standing right beside me. Did I say anything or do anything.... nope, just made as though I was watching Carrie and didn't see him. And when he knew that I knew he was there I just smiled, crossed my arms and looked away!
Boy, the things that the mind can do that your body and will doesn't let you do. The courage and strength always runs when faced with such things. My heart aches with the idea of him and the things he might say and do. Funny what lust can bring the mind to do!
I feel like a teenager with a crush. I have always been like that. And I fear I always will be like that. When it comes time I always have the bad, bring me down thoughts that I seem to never be able to fight off. Funny now I have those feelings more than not. For the amount I try and keep it positive, tis truly too hard. Is easier to live in the dream land of maybe. Cuz the reality usually is not all that one thinks it is!!!
Well, I think I said enough about him!!! Well, was going to tell him via fb that he did well. Thought that may have been a good way to at least talk to him via internet. That way I hide the face turning red and rambling words that I would have. He disappered off of fb. Think that is the fates telling me not to contact him and just deal with the reality. Live in the dream because it is all too good and I can have it turn out anyway I want it too!!!
Was wondering if he was going to be there and he initially wasn't there. Had Carrie jumping in the big moon walk jumpy thing, I turned around and tada... he came around the corner. It was as though I was meant to turn around just at that moment. OH the hair, the eyes, that smile and that bum!!! I melted at that moment, as I always do when he comes around.
Then without warning he surprises me again. He does this every once in awhile. I have known for a long time that he is a good native singer and drummer, but it was recently that I saw him play a guitar. There was a surprise. Then he amazed me farther by showing me that he could dance. Another big surprise. And today the surprise was he could sing (in English) and play guitar at the same time. He sang 2 Johnny Cash song and my ears were amazed! I could have just taken him backstage and smothered him with love at that moment.
Ok, my mind could have smothered him with love. That is the thing. I can look and smile and imagine all the wonderful things, but when it comes time I do nothing. Case and point : later that day I had Carrie in the jumpy thing again and he brought his girlfriends kids there and he was standing right beside me. Did I say anything or do anything.... nope, just made as though I was watching Carrie and didn't see him. And when he knew that I knew he was there I just smiled, crossed my arms and looked away!
Boy, the things that the mind can do that your body and will doesn't let you do. The courage and strength always runs when faced with such things. My heart aches with the idea of him and the things he might say and do. Funny what lust can bring the mind to do!
I feel like a teenager with a crush. I have always been like that. And I fear I always will be like that. When it comes time I always have the bad, bring me down thoughts that I seem to never be able to fight off. Funny now I have those feelings more than not. For the amount I try and keep it positive, tis truly too hard. Is easier to live in the dream land of maybe. Cuz the reality usually is not all that one thinks it is!!!
Well, I think I said enough about him!!! Well, was going to tell him via fb that he did well. Thought that may have been a good way to at least talk to him via internet. That way I hide the face turning red and rambling words that I would have. He disappered off of fb. Think that is the fates telling me not to contact him and just deal with the reality. Live in the dream because it is all too good and I can have it turn out anyway I want it too!!!
Hopefully quick and painless!!
well, it is the day before my birthday and I am tired. So, I gonna make this short!
Well, I have been to the doctor and now I have 4 or 5 different testing things to go through to make sure I ok. He not sure if I ok or not, hopefully all goes ok with all the testing. Don't think there is anything to worry about, but there always that little bit of wonder there!
Carrie has done really well with the outing I have had the last 3 days. I went shopping, to the doctors, to bingo, and to do bloodwork without her. Was kinda nice not to entertain a little one for awhile.
There is something plaguing the mind tonight. Was at a friends house the other day and noticed a victim services info packet on the fridge. When I asked about it the response was "pretend you never saw it (as it was put in a drawer) and don't ask questions so I don't have to lie to you". What should a person take away from this???
So, in efforts to get healthy and eat right and quit smoking. I have purchased a whole whack of good healthy stuff and have cleaned out what I could of the not so good stuff from the house. There still are many things that I could not get rid of due to parents wanting them in the house, but I tried. And I have started to track my smoking behavior. Am noticing when I on puter I smoke lots and I just smoke lots in general!
Other than that, I can't think of anything else! Guess I will have to tell you about the birthday after it happens. Should be pretty uneventful. Am going to my sisters tomorrow
Well, I have been to the doctor and now I have 4 or 5 different testing things to go through to make sure I ok. He not sure if I ok or not, hopefully all goes ok with all the testing. Don't think there is anything to worry about, but there always that little bit of wonder there!
Carrie has done really well with the outing I have had the last 3 days. I went shopping, to the doctors, to bingo, and to do bloodwork without her. Was kinda nice not to entertain a little one for awhile.
There is something plaguing the mind tonight. Was at a friends house the other day and noticed a victim services info packet on the fridge. When I asked about it the response was "pretend you never saw it (as it was put in a drawer) and don't ask questions so I don't have to lie to you". What should a person take away from this???
So, in efforts to get healthy and eat right and quit smoking. I have purchased a whole whack of good healthy stuff and have cleaned out what I could of the not so good stuff from the house. There still are many things that I could not get rid of due to parents wanting them in the house, but I tried. And I have started to track my smoking behavior. Am noticing when I on puter I smoke lots and I just smoke lots in general!
Other than that, I can't think of anything else! Guess I will have to tell you about the birthday after it happens. Should be pretty uneventful. Am going to my sisters tomorrow
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
another day, another dollar lost!!!
Well, it has been eventful the last couple days yet nothing circumstantial. We had a play date with good friends today. It was an excellent date. It all went downhill after the date though........ 5 tantrums throughout the rest of the evening. Lots of crying and being unhappy this evening. It sure does test me as a person and a mom!!! Have to admit it was hard and I did loose my cool at some moments within. Hate when the tantrums are full out whale and kicking and throwing herself back. Makes you almost break, but within a few minutes you melt again!
As for all the health ideas. Funny, for how determined I was a couple days ago, I sure seemed to have forgotten all that and doubt has slipped into the mind. Its the whole beat myself before I am even challenged for it. I atmit I am totally lazy and for as much as I talk am ok to stay lazy!!!! I keep thinking of all the things I need to do but can't get enough gumption to do them. And its not the why change kind of ideas, I just don't want to do them. Would rather think of them. Am hoping something will change within my mind and it will all just jump into place! Maybe the doctors appointment on thursday will give me the kick in the ass that I need!!
Am thinking of things that I can do to make some money without having to inconvenience anyone too much with things. Have been looking through neighboring town to no avail. All the work there needs to be qualified this or that. Nothing for a single mom that needs part time job to slowly go into full time!!! I could go into the next town after that..... but that puts people out even farther than before. I need the job and money to move into a town that I can move around in on my own but with nothing close I find myself getting nowhere fast!!
OK...... birthday is 4 days away and it gets more like a regular day than anything else. My parents non chalantly handed me a $5.00 bear and says happy birthday and walk away. all the goals I am setting up for I am breaking down before I even start. All I know is I have been smoking more years than not as of 31 and I am at the worst health I have ever been. I break a sweat somedays just walking up the stairs. I mean, come on.... 13 stairs and I outof breathe! Yet, as these things are said it does nothing to motivate me. Just make me think of changing things without doing anything. I sure eventually something will just jump and I will start doing things..... but until then I get to live with my self loathing!!!
OK, that all for tonight, see what the next couple days bring!
As for all the health ideas. Funny, for how determined I was a couple days ago, I sure seemed to have forgotten all that and doubt has slipped into the mind. Its the whole beat myself before I am even challenged for it. I atmit I am totally lazy and for as much as I talk am ok to stay lazy!!!! I keep thinking of all the things I need to do but can't get enough gumption to do them. And its not the why change kind of ideas, I just don't want to do them. Would rather think of them. Am hoping something will change within my mind and it will all just jump into place! Maybe the doctors appointment on thursday will give me the kick in the ass that I need!!
Am thinking of things that I can do to make some money without having to inconvenience anyone too much with things. Have been looking through neighboring town to no avail. All the work there needs to be qualified this or that. Nothing for a single mom that needs part time job to slowly go into full time!!! I could go into the next town after that..... but that puts people out even farther than before. I need the job and money to move into a town that I can move around in on my own but with nothing close I find myself getting nowhere fast!!
OK...... birthday is 4 days away and it gets more like a regular day than anything else. My parents non chalantly handed me a $5.00 bear and says happy birthday and walk away. all the goals I am setting up for I am breaking down before I even start. All I know is I have been smoking more years than not as of 31 and I am at the worst health I have ever been. I break a sweat somedays just walking up the stairs. I mean, come on.... 13 stairs and I outof breathe! Yet, as these things are said it does nothing to motivate me. Just make me think of changing things without doing anything. I sure eventually something will just jump and I will start doing things..... but until then I get to live with my self loathing!!!
OK, that all for tonight, see what the next couple days bring!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
All thoughts, but no talking about it!
Well, it has been a couple days and here are my thoughts that are going through my mind. So, many things I wanna change. I realize that I am at the most unhealthy I have ever been. Not a good thing considering I have a 2 year old that I am having a hard time keeping up with. So, ideas of loosing weight getting more active, and quitting smoking are hard pressed on my mind. Am thinking all this thought is due to the 31st birthday is coming in 6 days. Was thinking about it the other day, I have now been a smoker for more years than I have not been! That is a scarry thought! It also scares me that I cannot keep up with my little girl. How the hell am I going to keep up with her when she gets coordinated ebough to play full games of things!!!
So, as I said in the first post, I have appointments for a multitude of doctors to make sure all aspects of my health are coming in order! Not too worried about most of them. Am so very scared about the general doctor though. He is the one that is going to tell me about all of the naughty naughty things I have been doing to my body. I know the first visit is going to be questions and assessment, so not much naughty, but it will come eventually!! Tis on Thursday and I wish it was sooner to get it over with! oh well, guess it is close enough.
Guess I should write a little about my little girl. Her aunty Louise and Uncle Pat came out to visit for a little while. She so loves her aunt and uncle. She is making me laugh in new and exciting ways every day. Yesterday she and I was talking and she looked at me and made a funny ha ha ha as she says you funny mommy. All I could do was laugh.
well, until another day!
So, as I said in the first post, I have appointments for a multitude of doctors to make sure all aspects of my health are coming in order! Not too worried about most of them. Am so very scared about the general doctor though. He is the one that is going to tell me about all of the naughty naughty things I have been doing to my body. I know the first visit is going to be questions and assessment, so not much naughty, but it will come eventually!! Tis on Thursday and I wish it was sooner to get it over with! oh well, guess it is close enough.
Guess I should write a little about my little girl. Her aunty Louise and Uncle Pat came out to visit for a little while. She so loves her aunt and uncle. She is making me laugh in new and exciting ways every day. Yesterday she and I was talking and she looked at me and made a funny ha ha ha as she says you funny mommy. All I could do was laugh.
well, until another day!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
first post
well, have been thinking of writing things once or twice a week with all the things that have happend throughout the day and week. There will be the good, the bad and the ugly in here....
So, before I go any farther..... remember this is just the thoughts and ideas of the moments. DO NOT take it personally..... but don't hold back with comments either. I'll keep it real and I expect others to keep it real as well.
Am thinking that being 31 in a cople days isn't a big deal, but I gonna make it one!!! I gonna start changing this this year...... thinking it is time to do so. Am going to get myself a little better for the wear. Have gotten a doc appointment..... hopefully I will be on the way to having a regular doctor that can show me the health and stuff. Also have eye appointment and dentist... get all me in check and start to get the health thing going!
So, before I go any farther..... remember this is just the thoughts and ideas of the moments. DO NOT take it personally..... but don't hold back with comments either. I'll keep it real and I expect others to keep it real as well.
Am thinking that being 31 in a cople days isn't a big deal, but I gonna make it one!!! I gonna start changing this this year...... thinking it is time to do so. Am going to get myself a little better for the wear. Have gotten a doc appointment..... hopefully I will be on the way to having a regular doctor that can show me the health and stuff. Also have eye appointment and dentist... get all me in check and start to get the health thing going!
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