The end..... and the begining!!!!

I am making this the year in review post. This year has had ups and downs. I have an ever changing little girl that not only wants me to but expects me to change with her!!  It is amazing how she has gone from such a little girl to an independant little thing. There is something about her that amazes me everyday!! She went from a crib this year to a big girl bed, diapers to fully potty trained, and stay at home with family to daycare most days. She helps every chance she gets and is always willing to learn more!  There have been some trying times through the year with her. The daycare thing has and still is a bit of a trial and error thing. What started as a cry many times throughout the day for mom has turned to just a cry when I leave. That is a huge step. Christmas was wonderful and amazing for her. The look on her face when she saw all the presents was magical. I have etched that face in my head for easy viewing. I secretly am glad that myself alone got to share that first vision of the tree with her. Everyone else was asleep and she was sleeping in myh bed with me (to accomodate guests).  so we woke up and went into the living room together! No camera's, no onlookers, just her and I in the excitement of the moment. Sure everyone was up within minutes of hearing us up, but those moments were hers and mine!

As for my year, it was full of ups and downs. Actually it was more same old same old stuff. Fought with myself for most of the year. Did go on a few little trips and I saved a little money, but nothing to truly right home about! I read 1 book all year and did half of a cross stitch pattern! Weight went up and down. Highest was beginning of the year at 228 and hit 204 at one point. Now I am at about 210. Quitting smoking was there and not there, as usual. Think that is all for me! Wow, can we tell where my interest in life is. 4 lines for me and 13 for Carrie. Think that is the way it is suppost to be!!!



So, now for next year. This is what I predict :

- the fight with weight will continue.... would like to see below 200 this year....would really like to see below 180

- the battle for smokng will continue!!! 

- my job WILL change thisyear. I AM NOT going to spend another chistmas in retail and away from Carrie and the family

- the battle to save enough money to get Carrie and I on our own will continue. OR

- I WILL drive this year.... it will be the way to get me and Carrie out without having to leave.

- I would like to either change carrie into the bigger room or make 2 rooms downstairs. It is driving me crazy that I do not have a space of my own and I think splitting the bigger room downstairs into 2 will make that room mine again!

- 3 trips next year....1 mountains, 1 rodeo and 1 either camping or Victoria!

- I am going to get Carrie into some type of lessons this year. either swimming or dancing.... and maybe soccer. She likes those 3 things.

- I WILL write more in my blog. There are 16 entries for 2010. I would like to make it at least 24 in the next year. That is 2 a month. that is easy!!!

This is my motto for the year :

Someone smart once said the only time you truly fail is when you stop trying!!!

I know I have been given a wonderful opportunity to change things while being with others for support. This year I am going to take advantage of it and stop just watching it waste itself!!!

Time to fill the void!!

This entry is dedicated to Darius Rucker and his song "it won't be like this ". If you know it you will understand why shortly!


It has been awhile and things have been crazy and chaotic!  I have finally got my little girl into daycare. It was suppost to be a great and wonderful thing. I was hoping for a smooth transition and a fun and easy getaway into fun for her, but of course it is not how it worked!  The first day and a half was magic. She really enjoyed all of the excitement of kids and all the new toys. Then she started to miss mommy and the struggle began. I have taken her crying into a place and left her there on a few occasions now and it breaks my heart every time. When we talk of daycare she starts to cry and it breaks my heart. Just the sadness of it all!  I know it will not last that long, the broken heart just kills me! There are days I wonder how I am going to get through this. It just makes me wanna cry and hold her close and never let her go!  But I know I must be strong and persist through this, even if it breaks my heart every day!


Now that I have the daycare in order (kinda) it is time to find something more daytime and scheduled for me. Am looking for somewhere in Morinville now to work. Would have to pay me enough to save up and be able to sustain me when and if I ever move into Morinville. I would very quickly move into morinville if given the right amount of chance and survival! It is not the city but it is also not the parents house!  In the same kind of ideal it would be just as easy, if not easier, to get my license a vehicle and insurance. This way we do not leave the comfort that my baby is accustomed to!!

On all other fronts things are going backwards. I am gaining weight, increasing smoking and slowly loosing all cinfidence with myself!! Not sure how or why, but it just is!! lol

think that is all. The big thing on the mind is getting a girl comfortable with being in care!!! any ideas, please feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong!!!

time to get back to it... maybe!!!

Well, it has been quite awhile and nothing reallyhas changed. I still large and NOT in charge, lol.  We have been to a rodeo and doing some sight seeing in Edmonton. Was hoping on a camping trip, but plans changed and Edmonton it was!!! It has been a nice little go. Still feels a little numb though.

I stood in a wedding on Saturday. What a fun day! Was more than 24 hours without my little girl. Was great til I saw all the kids running around and having fun.... then I missed her like crazy! The wedding kind of opened my eyes  (for a little while anyway) as to life and love. Its the change can be good and love is a truly wonderful thing. You could just see it and it was wonderful! It prompted me to write here again just so that I can remember the moment a little bit. Hopefully it will serve as a remembering of what could be. I have to admit, I wanted that kind of love!  It is truly amazing the love that you could just see... you didn't have to look far to see it on Saturday!

Not sure where the feelings are going to take me, but will be interesting to see if they do. Am hoping that they are not just a momentary feeling that hides in the shadows quickly! Will have to find something that will keep it there a little while!!!

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was kind of a run of the mill day. Nothing really big. We went for breakfast and then it was just my little girl and I for most of the day. We did have a cake later in the evening. Was bought more for my little girl so she could blow out the candles. I told her to make a wish for me before she blew out the candles and she wished for a firetruck!!! was really cute.  Was nice to be home and able to do whatever I wanted to do!!

thik that is all for now..... jsut felt like It was time to fill a little in there again!!! Need to keep up on it again for a little while!!!  

Talk again soon!

Here comes another one!!!!

well, it has been awhile but nothing much has changed.

Lets see, I have a little girl who is in love with heya heya dancing. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't ask to go or to listen to the music so she can dance! I love the thought and sight of her dancing. She is just so happy and excited when she is dancing, she is like a different baby. Whe have taken her to 3 or 4 pow wows now and I have seen her grow and thrive there in no way I thought I would see her. She goes out by herself and nows where to go when she is done and she just does it! She has reminded me to go out and have fun and not care what everyone thinks of you!!

I am taking her to the rodeo next weekend. I wonder what she will teach me there!! lol Hoping it will all be fun. It should be. After all the entire family is going to be there. Including Pat, Louise and Cheyanne!! Then the weekend after we are having a hot tub weekend celebrating all the summer/fall birthdays. That should be great too. And the week after that we are going to the mountains with a friend of mine. It should be great fun. I can't wait for it all to come into play!!!  Think it is just what I need, hopefully!!!!

Anyway, that is all for now!

What changes have been made??

Well, after much thought and contemplating I have decided that nothing is changing.  Nothing that should be changing is changing. The obvious stuff that is going to change regardless of if I want it too or not is changing but the rest stays the same.  Things like Carrie going to potty by herself is a change, but one that would have been made in time anyway.  Me and who I am is not changing. I am still the procrastinator, the sit and let life take mw where It wants to take me, laid back relaxed girl!

With this in mind.... I am having a hard time writing here. The more I read back, the more I see the plain fakeness out of this.... I am not going to change. I don't know how, and quite frankly, I am not sure if I want to!! I know, disappointment! But I not being fair to anyone dragging them along thinking I am going to do these great things when I already know I am not there right now!

Who knows, maybe I will get there at some point, but not yet.  So, all I can say is hold on, and maybe  I may jump back on the changing bandwagon!!

So, this is going to become the, if things change or are exciting blog!! 


That is all for now.....goodnight!!!!!

ok..... back to it!!

Yup, it is time to get back to it!   It is almost half way through the year and I have moved very little through the things I wanted to do. Granted, I do have plans for some of my bucket list for the year. Guess that is a start. It is funny that all the things that have been already done all have to do with Carrie directly. Her, big girl bed and being dry and plans for trips are all to do with Carrie. It is great that she is the first priority in my head.

It is easy to make her the priority and push my stuff til the end. Now it is time to side saddle Carrie and put some of me first. The weight (that I am starting to gain again) and this smoking is getting way too out of hand. Need to just nip them in the butt and start being better about it. I have all the information needed to stop and reduce. Just need to add it up and put it in place.  I am pondering ways to quit smoking again. After 2 attempts with the cutting down to quitting being unsuccessful, am wondering if other ways and options could work better for me!  I wanna be smoke free for Carries birthday.... what could be a better gift than a mom on her way to healthier and making her healthier along the way! That would be a great gift..... even if there is no real significance to her! It would mean the world to me! OK.... there is a goal.... June 11th it is... gives me 17 days. WOW..... that is so definate, I kinda like it!

On good but sad news, the other parent got himself a job this week. He is now an employee of Home Depot. This means more stretching for care for carrie. Right now I have my neice staying with us until we can get something more set in stone, but I fear she won't last here long!!!! she doesn't stay anywhere long! Then we need to re evaluate who is dong what.  Have a feeling that it will be me to cut hours first. That really sucks because I was just starting to save up some money again. That puts the idea of a vehicle or a new place to live for this year..... maybe another year here may set things in better motion for proper amounts of savings!  Although it would be kinda great to have Carrie be here and go to school here. Couldn't think of a better place to continue to raise Carrie and have her grow and thrive. Maybe my heart is here and so should she. That just means the push to get the drivers license should be on. So, I can at least get out of the house when I would like to.   Thanks to all those that didn't help!!! lol.... had offers for people to let me drive, but when it came to it no one showed up!  Maybe I will hire the neighbor to let me practise driving. I have the basics, just haven't been behind the wheel in awhile. So, I need the practise desperatly!  Watch out roads.... I will soon be on them!

Well, that is all I can think of for the moment.... so I will leave it for awhile!!!!

will, write soon

Cheers to the learning!!!

Well, I have been amazed by my little girl! Just when I thought all was going to be the same forever she went and taught herself something. We have been trying for a long while to learn how to pee in the potty with very little success at all. It was nothing for her to sit on the potty, but nothing would ever happen. Then, out of the blue, she ran herself to the bathroom. That is not surprising, because she usually does that, but she peed and pooped. It shocked the hell out of me. no promting, no reminding her, she just went and did it.

At that moment I was SSSOOO excited for her!  realization soon kicked in when she wet herself soon after. At that point I thought, it was just a fluke. But yet again the next day she ran herself to the bathroom twice. That is when it hit me, just let her do it. When she was ready she will just do it and that is all. I know I have to let her get it on her own, that is the way she always has been, but mom needs to help!  It has been a week since she has done this and throughout the day she has 1 accident a day, but we are always close to the bathroom or just late pulling down her panty. So, it is there and she is really getting it!  It is also already setting in her night routine. She woke me last night to go potty! She didn't pee, but the idea was there that she needed to!

She amazes me so much. Just when I get into a rut and stuck in the mundaine, she pulls something out of her sleeve and it makes me rethink it all again!!! I truly and whole heartedly have to thank whoever sent her to me. She has totally opened my eyes to what can be done, and how sweet it all is! If I ever forget that.... all are free to smack me in the head til I remember!

Now that the amazement has been commented on, here is something else that is on my mind. I guess it is another form of amazement, just other end of spectrum. I have been sitting back and listening to people for awhile and the things that people not only think, but say are beyond me!  All relating to the fires in Slave Lake. There are comments about how they are already starting to milk the system and the choices people made while evacuating!! It seems people have such a small scope of seeing things that they can't fathom other things could be possible!! Not that I am never guilty of this, but it is just getting to me right now!!!  It is all over work, and it isn't just for slave lake!

that is all ofr now, have to go get ready for work!

I've been too gone, for too long....

and it's too late to come home now!!  If someone can tell me who sings that I would be very impressed!   And yes, it has been too long since I have been in here and writing. There is a simple answer for that. It's because nothing good has happened.
 
I have totally slipped on everything that I am working on!  I don't keep track of anything anymore and I do just what I have to to keep on going throughout the day. I am gaining weight and not caring at all about it.

Work is mundain and boring. I don't wanna be there or anywhere else. Just lost all umph for doing anything. Even the things that I love and fully enjoy doing with miss Carrie are dull.

I know, it sounds like depression and it probably is! Just have no jump for anything.


Anyway, someone wanted an update, so here it is! Hope you like it!! he he he

Welcome back!

As I sit here tonight, the juke box playing .... it brings memories when I was a trusting wife.... its a shame that all the blame is on us women.... it wasn't god who made honky tonk angels!!!   Tis the song that is running through my head. I know that is not how it goes but who said things are suppost to go in order! I am in a reminising kind of a mood tonight. As I sit here with a house of just me and Carrie. It is almost like sitting all in my own I start to think back to when it was just me. The parties, the outings, the doing anything whenever, and the going home to the cat! Don't read that wrong, I love my cat, but the little girl running to the door screaming mommy mommy is better! although someone coming to the door saying honey I missed you would be nice too!!  Still, nothing beats the little feet running is the best!

Well, on the perky side. I down to 9 smokes a day. Have been really struggling with this number. Not sure why, but this one is hard. Have been here for ove a week and just can't move foreward. I know it is me holding me back and not letting me get farther. Just gotta get that push going again to keep on going! The push will come back, just gotta find the right wind again! Until that wind comes I will just hold the fort as it is!

Weight is slowly going down again. I am down 3 pounds. I hit a depressing moment recently. I had to buy myself a new bathing suit and it wasn't a good expereince. I have never had to buy such a big bathing suit before! It was quite heart wrenching!  just another push to get into the sizes that I used to be in!

anyway, am getting tired, I think!  Think I just in a mood to sit in the quiet and be one with me. Has been a long time!  Good night!

just to catch everyone up.... including me!

So, welcome to the reading area! It is a grande area, for of glorious trees and vast streams. You can hear birds chirpping and the light breeze makes the leaves rustle. Ah, what a wonderful place. Now take a deep breathe and slowly exhale!

Now, that I have made you all calm and serene I will start with my rant. Not sure why I chose to write that first, just thought it would be different! Kinda tells the mood I am in too! Feel a little goofy today, which is a good thing!

Well, as for the things I am working on. I am sadly up 2 pounds so far. Ah, guess I can't always go down, that would be just wrong! lol   Today I am at 12 smokes for the day. was at 15 yesterday and I will have 1 more today. Found 14 tough to hold onto. So, this is going to be my goal for the next little while!!! 

Not really much more to say right now! Just thought I would quickly update and be done with it all. Will write more when things change!


AND SLEEP!!!!!

Oh Holy Hell !!!!

What a quaint little while. I am starting not to like work. Well, half and half. I love the idea of going to work, and I like interacting with the people, I just don't like the push. Not sure why this is bugging me so much but it is. They are pushing me to sell these Mastercard things and I hate the idea of it!  It makes me feel just yucky asking about it!! I just can't put my finger on why they pushing so hard for it. They has even been word that they can write you up for it, because it is in your job duties! Not that I have seen this first hand, but if the word is out there, there must be some truth to it!  So, I am trying to decide wether to suck it up or tell someone how I feel about it.

Anyway, I am almost through week one, and surprise, I am down 1 pound!  Couldn't believe it, but I will take it none the less!  So 5 more til I see 200!!! Yay me.

I got my haircut today. I feel decent yet again!  I also took my baby swimming today. Was a really nice time with her. We haven't done much outside the house together in awhile! I think she enjoyed it too! She is growing so fast, I wonder where that little girl that I used to cuddle and feed with a bottle!  AH

As for the smoking, these are the last few days of baselining! I have looked at last week and here is what I am seeing. The average is about 20 smokes a day and they are mainly when Carrie gives me a moment break or when I am bored, or routine times. Routine times are after meals and first thing in the morning. So, I am going to start with 16 smokes a day as of Monday and cut it down every 4 to 5 days. May cut some days numbers sooner, if I can handle it, but will go no more than 5 days with 1 number. So, if the numbering system goes well, I will be done in March. Yes, still a long ways away, but it will come closer than one thinks. I am thinking of making quit date between Feb 28 and March 11. My parents are going on a trip during that time and I will have 1 less distraction to detter me! Although my sister and brother in law will be here then and they will have that temptation. I should just throw myself in, because the temptation will always be there, but less temptation in the beginning would be great! 


As for driving offer, I have had people offer me, just gotta make some plans to actually do it!  GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA!!!! lol

Anyway, think that is all for now. Will plan a write soon!

Things on the GO!!!

Well, I have more things on the go. I have planned a mountain trip with my little girl!! Yay, Radium, here we come!  Just 21 weeks away. On that not, I have 21 weeks to get my tummy down some. would be nice to, for once, not be so self aware while getting my bathing suit on! So, it is on, weight loss here I come! If you think about it, 2 pounds a week is healthy loss. So, if I aim for 40, it could definatly be a possibility! I am truly shooting for 20 pounds. That would mean that I could check off all the weight goals for the bucket list. 40 would be a greater number. It would mean that I would be the lightest that I can ever remember. Thik it has been stated before, but the lowest I remember is 167. 40 pounds would put me at 166!!!  Wow, the idea of being light is astounding!

I have also started a saving account. I have put $600 into an account and am going to add at least $200 per month from now on! If all works right I could have $2000 by end of August. That should be enough to start a place of our own. It is official that WE WILL be moved out on our own by end of year! Would like to make it an August move, but September or October move would be ok too. Would like to stay out here for the summer, so that we can be part of all the wonderful things of out here. The garden, a big yard, a park just a bikeride away and the weekend camping trips!  I will start looking at finding a different job come the summer and work from there.

I am also looking for someone to let me practise driving with their car. Mom leary of me driving in winter. My dear Lea thinks it would be good to practise now, and I agree with her!  I have the gumption to practise now and I fear if I wait til spring that I will lose interest in it!

My little girl is doing great in her new bed. I was starting to wonder about it when there was3 nights where she awoke in the middle of the night and did not want to return to sleep. Oddly enough, after the 3 days she has slept through the night. Well, last night she awoke, but it was because she had fallen onto the floor! he he he. If she wouldn't have fallen, I bet she would not have woken up! 

Think that is all for now!

It started!!!!!

I get to start checking off my bucket list for the year! They are little things but I don't care.

First thing to check off is number 18. As of yesterday her big girl bed is set up and in use. night number 2 and no problems so far. Just waiting for the first fall out of bed and the wondering out of bed 10 times in a night to start happening!  It is so exciting! I can't wait for those things because it is all part and parcel!

Second thing I get to check off is number 14. She peed in the potty for me today! Granted it was not a big pee, it was still a pee. That means she is on her way to knowing what to do on the potty. I made such a big deal out of it. I sang, danced, hugged, high fived her and everything. It was great. I didn't think I would get that excited over a little pee, but I did!  Hope it is incentive for Carrie to try more often!

If I keep going at this rate I will have the list done by October!  That would be rather fancy. Although I think I may have to revamp the list just a little. I have on 9 and 10 work of either staying at the house and being on our own. I am going to have to ponder wether we stay here or if we are going to go. This way I can make a more defined thing to shoot for. If I am going to put my efforts towards moving out, then I will put less emphasis on having own form of transportation and vise versa. Unless it is in somewhere like moving to Morinville!  That could defenatly be an option for us. Away from the parents, but still close enough that they can come see us as often as they like. Guess it would be based on where I can find work and such. In a place like morinville I would need to have transportation though! still far enough away that those that want to see us or us to see them can contact, but those that have no interest can stay away! hhmmm.... the possibilities. Guess St. Albert works for that as well. Then I would not have to worry so much about finding the job quite yet!!   Well, that will be my thoughts for the next couple of days!!

As for how I set up Carrie's bed. I put it over the register for the moment. the drawer that the register covers I have not put in and enough heat escapes from the hole that it keeps the room warm. In time I wanna move her to the bigger but let her get used to the bed before I move her rooms. rooms and bed may be too much for her all at once.

Anyway, all in all I feel pretty content and happy with where things are going! Can't wait to see what the rest of the list brings on. Think the next thing to work on is finding a vehicle and person to let me practise driving with their car!!! Be prepared to take the test just after the snow melts! he he he!!!!

Another way too long day!

I am tired as I sit here and write. Glad, impatient and tired.  So, I think this will be my rant at the world.

Life stinks today. It just feels yucky today! It didn't even start out ok. Was awoken by a baby. That not a bad thing in general. I just like having a few minutes to wake before she is up. I usually get that and when I don't I get grumpy. Then nothing seemed to be ok after that. I had a girl that was having a crankier day. Either crankier or I was just on edge and it got more on my nerves. Either way, yuck. I also had a mom with the same cranky predicament! And it snowed. Just enough to make my mom continually comment on how hard it would be to drive me to work. So I called in saying the snow was too much for my driver. Guess what happens 20 minutes after. It stops snowing and the snow plow goes by. But, do I go into work, nope! But I do however go and get the mattress for Carrie's twin bed. So, all the parts are here for her to have a big girl bed. Now to put it together!

So, I figure lets do something exciting and productive. Lets put her bed together. I was really excited because I went and bought all new things for her bed including a Dora comforter set!  So, off we go. Dad starts setting up the new frame and carrie and I take down the crib and clear the room for the frame and bed. After we take the bed down we wait, and wait, and wait. Well, at 9:30 we are still waiting for dad to finish the drawers to the frame. Nothing else is put together yet. 3 hours to make 3 drawers! If this is a sign of how long things are going to take, it will be well into next week when we finally get her into her bed!

So, I decided to make bedtime fun for Carrie and I. I put the crib mattress into my bedroom and made it all nice and extra cozy for her and said we were going to have a sleepover in mommy`s room. Well, she was not happy with that. She was expecting to sleep in her big girl bed tonight and was even less happy when I did put her to bed. The reality of not tonight was not sitting well with her! I very scared that she is losing the interest in her bed because it is taking SO long. Hell, if I would have known that we wouldn`t have the bed up tonight I would have left the crib up and disrupted everything tomorrow!!!

What an ass backwards day. Not that anything really went horribly wrong, it just was ass backwards. Truth be told I think it started yesterday. Was another one of those days yesterday too. Had customers yellilng and swearing at me and a tired mom when I was at home and a truck that didn`t start, so we couldn`t pick up the bed yesterday. Can`t wait to see what happens tomorrow!

ok, now that its all out there I think I better now! Tomorrow has to be better, I gonna make it so that it is better! Will look for the cuddles tomorrow and the smiles from those that give them to me! and the hope that tomorrow is a finishing day! Think that is all!

Oh, nope. Just thought of something else to complain about. I don`t think there is enough room for the bed in Carrie`s room. Where I want to put it there is a heat register and if I put it on the other wall there is a closet I am blocking off. Oh the joys of it all!!!  Crap. That just makes tomorrow interesting. Hopefully I think of something creative through the night. That will be my question for sleep. Find a solution for it!

Ok, well I think I am going to bed! Have a sweet and restful night!

To have and to hold!!!

I can't help but laugh at some people. I keep reading this is the year to. . . from so many people. It just seems so odd and funny to hear how people wanna change this or that and, like me, have little or nothing to show for it!  I know I rarely have anything big to show for the false determination that I have at the begining of the year. Tis a great thing when people can put their minds to it and do it and I stand up and cheer very loudly when people have that kind of strenght. I think I laugh cuz I know I just like most that will likely lose the motivation to get anywhere really. I too comfortable in the past and right now to move foreward and actually change.

I know it not the best way to start an entry, but it brings a little more focus into what may come next. It also may just keep me into a mello bring the house down bantering. Either way, it just feels right tonight!

So, as for the bucket list, I have already started something. I have purchased a mattress for Carrie. I have the frame here already and we get the mattress on Thursday. So, next weekend she will be trying out her new big girl bed. Should be an interesting time. I think it will go with a couple really good nights then a portion of time to test the waters. This will be when she realizes that she can get out of bed any time that she wants to! This should be interesting.  And we going to the mountains the last week of June. We are going to Radium and I have already put my holidays in to work. I know a little premature, but I just can't wait for it!

On the work front. I thought I was just casual over the christmas rush, but I was wrong. The let all of the seasonal workers go this week and I am still there. Which means they not letting me go!!! YAY, I get to stay. That is really cool. I am however still looking through news papers and stuff just in case something is to pop up. It is not a really big deal, just in case. You never know what pops up if you don't look.

I had a specialist call me yesterday. I am going to find out what is going on with me (maybe). I have not been regular in a long time and wonder what is wrong. It is not anything obvious so to a specialist I go. The doctor thinks that is has to be an imbalance in my hormones. Either that or stress. Either way this specialist can tell better than he can. Not that I complaining, but I have not been a real lady since March last year. Not a spec of anything ladylike. Has been nice not to have that worry, but I wonder what is happening.

Tomorrow I am going to start looking into smoking and my eating habits again. I am going to start a journal of what, how much, why and whatnot for both. Have been totally slacking off with everything within the holiday season and need to reboot it all up again. It should prove interesting. Although with how much my little girl keeps me going it could prove difficult. Will have to find a way to include her in all of it. Maybe get her to remind me of what we ate or draw some pictures or something. We will see how it goes.

Anyways, I think I am done for tonight. Will discuss how things go in a little while. 

as the wind howls....

As the wind howls in my ear I sit here and ponder all that is and all that was. Today is the where do I start and how do I finish. All the thoughts and ideas swirl around in my head like fish enjoying a current in the water. There are shimmers of light and darkness and all forms inbetween. I am amazed by the plight and relocation of all thoughts within an already swirling mind. You can get lost in all the ways a thought can take you.

The reality is starting to kick in. All the movements within the mind are slowing and just as quickly as they come they are gone. Wishing all that has entertained me for what seems to be hours could continue for all the days left. I realize this thought rollercoaster has taken only minutes to take me away to such a glorius place. As much as glorious, the reality of it all makes my skin crawl.

ok, now to fill in the rambling stated above. Just thinking of how all the things I have on the list are going to be completed within the year. Some are such great ideas and make my heart soar just waiting to do them and others literally make my skin crawl to think of the things needed to be done to complete them. All the things I can't wait to see seem so far away. Today not a good day for the zoo or taking Carrie to the mountains or even outside! I really can't wait to see how she blossoms and grows this year. Big year for her, full of potential and endless possiblities. I purchased her bed yesterday, so late next week will be the start of a big girl bed and the end of a baby crib. The only baby thing left to go are the diapers then I will have a full fledged little person capable of all things I am capable of! I believe she will flourish with the going into a daycare setting as well. Get her seeing with others her age are doing!

As usual I ponder the hows of changing myself. Why is it so difficult to get the get up and go when it involes one self. I read how everyone is changing this year and I know I must as well, but I am a little jealous of other peoples drive to succeed. They sound so determined and I wonder where mine is!

Before I start berrating myself I will stop writing and tend to the thing that makes me the happiest. My little tike is awake and I must go and cuddle her!