well, just a quick note regarding the stopping smoking effective today.
I did not stop smoking today! Yes, I know, a little disappointing. BUT before anyone gets come on... get to it already and yada yada here is what I did do today. This morning I had 8 smokes in my pack and as of right now I have 2 left. So 6, maybe 7 by bed time, is not bad at all! That is a very small cry from where I was when I first started. So, I think that is an ok thing that I can keep the cutting sown. I do realize that 1 smoke is too many for my health but 7 is better than the 25 I was at. That is almost 20 down from the get go.
I don't care what anyone says I am going to put this as a win for the day!! To me that is a good thing.
Was a shame that it was raining this morning. Was hoping to go to the park, but that was a bust. Will do it some time this week.
That is all for now!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wonderful Visitor
Carrie and I had a wonderful visit tonight. Was from a dear old friend that has come around once in awhile but not often enough! We chatted, we laughed, and we took pictures. First time that Carrie and I have officially taken pictures together! Is a monumental thing. It is the showing that she is mine and I am hers. I know we mean lots to many people but we mean the most to each other. Isn't that the way it is suppost to be!! Was a wonderful evening, which made up for the day. Carrie and I were both kinda cranky for the day. Not like clashing cranky, just cranky.
I can't believe how quickly Carrie has grown. It seems like yesterday I brought her home and I was doing was feeding her and changing her bum. Now its feed her, change her, play with her, let her play on own, teach her things, and put her to bed on her own. She is sleeping in her own bedroom. Granted it has only been 3 days, but still. Brings a tear to the eye to think of how much less she needs me than when she was first born. I know I know, she still needs me and I will gladly be there for anything she needs. Just seems to be happening so quickly.
Ok, enough about that on to me! Lets see. Went to the dentist last week. Have 2 cavities. That not bad considering I haven't been to a dentist in 10 or more years. So, I go get them filled next week and then oral care is done for 6 months.
As for getting checked out and getting a regular doctor. I was to call on the 23rd to make a physical appointment for the month of October. I called 20 minutes after the office opened and there were no openings for the month, so I wait til the end of October to call and see about Novermber. If that doesn't suck I don't know what does. Was really excited about seeing if everything is ok and now I have to wait longer. What kind of system is that!!! I do however have an ultrasound appointment to make sure all is ok in the abdomen! that is next week too so that will be interesting!
Weight loss is there. No real change with anything, although I am doing more work at the moment. Moving my stuff into one room and moving that room into my room means more trips up and down the stairs, so I guess that helps! Will see if there is any real change on Thursday. Am making Thursday morning my weigh and measure time. Don't want to do it every day due to becoming obsessive about it, but still want to track the progress!
Lastly, the smoking. Was doing well. Was down to 8 smokes for a day or two and then it happend again. Things came up and smokes came into play and I right back up there. Am not up to the 25 before it all started, but was close on Saturday. So, am thinking of just forgetting about the cutting things down and just go for it. After all, there is no temptations here at the moment. Is just me and my baby here today. The only thing that is stopping that is I do not know how when I really in need of that smoke, what will I do. Anything but take it out on my baby!! That is my scary thought! Chances are I have that so prominent in my mind that I would not, but she doesn't deserve it. Yes, I know, I am just making excuses and talking myself out of it. I wonder how long I could go without a cigarette?? hhhmmmm.... think I just thought of a new way to think about it! I not quitting, I seeing how long I can go without a cigarette! See if I can make it longer than last time I quit. Made it a whole 111 days before officially lighting up again! I wonder.... 111 days from tomorrow would be January 13th. That doesn't seem like very long away!
I CAN do it.... I know I can. Now show everyone I can do it. I deserve to change, Carrie deserves the change, and everyone else deserves to see the change. It may not seem big to many people, but it could mean the world to me.
Just a thought I had. I know I have 1 avid reader to the blog, but I do wonder if anyone else reads this. And if they do.... do they think I crazy or is it just more of the same or what. I guess I always wonder what others are thinking! It just crossed my mind, so I thought I would type it out!
A thought for tomorrow. Am thinking of packing a lunch and taking my little girl to the park for the day tomorrow. We should go there at some point tomorrow. Would mean a 10 minute bike ride and lots of playing at the park. Also would mean I could be even forther away from the temptation of smoking! Hopefully it is not going to rain tonight and botch that plan. Then we have Uncle Pat coming to Visit (with the dog) and stay on Wednesday. Thursday is swimming with Arianna and the kids, and Saturday is the family is coming home. So, pretty busy for the next little while. Just have to find something to keep busy with on Friday. Sure I will think of something to do. If nothing else the last of the gardenning needs to be done!!!
I can't believe how quickly Carrie has grown. It seems like yesterday I brought her home and I was doing was feeding her and changing her bum. Now its feed her, change her, play with her, let her play on own, teach her things, and put her to bed on her own. She is sleeping in her own bedroom. Granted it has only been 3 days, but still. Brings a tear to the eye to think of how much less she needs me than when she was first born. I know I know, she still needs me and I will gladly be there for anything she needs. Just seems to be happening so quickly.
Ok, enough about that on to me! Lets see. Went to the dentist last week. Have 2 cavities. That not bad considering I haven't been to a dentist in 10 or more years. So, I go get them filled next week and then oral care is done for 6 months.
As for getting checked out and getting a regular doctor. I was to call on the 23rd to make a physical appointment for the month of October. I called 20 minutes after the office opened and there were no openings for the month, so I wait til the end of October to call and see about Novermber. If that doesn't suck I don't know what does. Was really excited about seeing if everything is ok and now I have to wait longer. What kind of system is that!!! I do however have an ultrasound appointment to make sure all is ok in the abdomen! that is next week too so that will be interesting!
Weight loss is there. No real change with anything, although I am doing more work at the moment. Moving my stuff into one room and moving that room into my room means more trips up and down the stairs, so I guess that helps! Will see if there is any real change on Thursday. Am making Thursday morning my weigh and measure time. Don't want to do it every day due to becoming obsessive about it, but still want to track the progress!
Lastly, the smoking. Was doing well. Was down to 8 smokes for a day or two and then it happend again. Things came up and smokes came into play and I right back up there. Am not up to the 25 before it all started, but was close on Saturday. So, am thinking of just forgetting about the cutting things down and just go for it. After all, there is no temptations here at the moment. Is just me and my baby here today. The only thing that is stopping that is I do not know how when I really in need of that smoke, what will I do. Anything but take it out on my baby!! That is my scary thought! Chances are I have that so prominent in my mind that I would not, but she doesn't deserve it. Yes, I know, I am just making excuses and talking myself out of it. I wonder how long I could go without a cigarette?? hhhmmmm.... think I just thought of a new way to think about it! I not quitting, I seeing how long I can go without a cigarette! See if I can make it longer than last time I quit. Made it a whole 111 days before officially lighting up again! I wonder.... 111 days from tomorrow would be January 13th. That doesn't seem like very long away!
I CAN do it.... I know I can. Now show everyone I can do it. I deserve to change, Carrie deserves the change, and everyone else deserves to see the change. It may not seem big to many people, but it could mean the world to me.
Just a thought I had. I know I have 1 avid reader to the blog, but I do wonder if anyone else reads this. And if they do.... do they think I crazy or is it just more of the same or what. I guess I always wonder what others are thinking! It just crossed my mind, so I thought I would type it out!
A thought for tomorrow. Am thinking of packing a lunch and taking my little girl to the park for the day tomorrow. We should go there at some point tomorrow. Would mean a 10 minute bike ride and lots of playing at the park. Also would mean I could be even forther away from the temptation of smoking! Hopefully it is not going to rain tonight and botch that plan. Then we have Uncle Pat coming to Visit (with the dog) and stay on Wednesday. Thursday is swimming with Arianna and the kids, and Saturday is the family is coming home. So, pretty busy for the next little while. Just have to find something to keep busy with on Friday. Sure I will think of something to do. If nothing else the last of the gardenning needs to be done!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Where has it all gone!!!
Well, it has been awhile and there isn't much to tell. I am still a smoker, and no lighter and losing all hope and faith in anything. Was very gun ho in the begining, now the luster is gone.
Was doing very well before the weekend. I was down to 10 cigarettes for Thurs and Friday then Saturday hit. Just didn't feel like watching or anything like that, so 16 smokes were consumed. Then Sunday was a bust with the idea that if I can slide once I can twice. 12 smokes had that day. So, got back on the wagon on Monday...well kinda, just cut down from saturday. 11 smokes yesterday were consumed.
Today is a better day. Am at 8.5 smokes so far. Will be at 9 before the end of the night. Had made a goal of 10 smokes today. So, I guess I can do it. Now to keep it going. Today wasn't too hard to make it through. Sure there were moments that all I wanted to do was smoke, but those moments passed and I kept going!! Tomorrow the goal is 9 (I think). Am going to make it 9, but will push to see if 8 can be achieved. The more I can cut down this week the better things may be for me.
If all goes right I am going to become smoke free early next week. This is if the wagon doesn't push me off first. The plan is : next week the house will be free of smokers, so if I can be without the extra influence for the first couple of days that may give me a good start. I haven't told anyone over the age of 3 in the house that I intend to quit at all. From what I see they have noticed something, but haven't put 2 and 2 together yet. I wanted to do this totally on my own and for me. Don't need the quirky comments or silent pauses or anything else they wanna or could give me. I want surprise and quiet wait for me to either succeed or fail!!! This may just give me the added push to prove them wrong. As stated earlier a big plus will be there will be no other smokers in the house. The cons of doing this is that it is just me and my daughter in the house. No real means of escape if needed for the cravings. Another con is due to the family not knowing, they are going to make sure that I am fully prepared for the week away. This includes making sure I have enough smokes to cover the week. So, although no one will be smoking, there will still be the allure of cigarettes within the house! Will have to plan to make sure that they are not TOO accessible to me. Guess I have to have the temptation around. Won't be long before it will be here on a daily and hourly basis. Better get used to it early!
With this week of family being gone, I am also attempting one other thing. My daughter is going to be sleeping in her own room and on her own during this week. This means that she is moving into a new room upstairs and is not going to have the security of a mom really close by when awoken! Will be a very interesting week. Sure it will be difficult at times, but worth the end result. Will make bed time a whole lot easier and easier for babysitters to put her to sleep when the time comes! Have got to keep reminding myself of the freedom that the both of us will have in the end!!
As for health and weight loss. Have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and have to make appointments for my physical and skin tag removal on Thursday. Also have an ultrasound booked for early October to make sure all is well in my stomach and abdomin. That is where the health sits. At the moment I am not making weight loss a huge issue. Am trying to make sure I do active things when the craving hit, but am not making a bid deal of not loosing any weight. Am watching to make sure the weight does not go up much further than where I sit at the moment. Did take measurements though...... weight 224........ bust 45 inches.... waist 52 inches and hips 48 inches. No gain since I started to write here, so I guess that is a good thing! will see what next couple weeks bring with that as well!
Think that is all for now! am getting tired!
Was doing very well before the weekend. I was down to 10 cigarettes for Thurs and Friday then Saturday hit. Just didn't feel like watching or anything like that, so 16 smokes were consumed. Then Sunday was a bust with the idea that if I can slide once I can twice. 12 smokes had that day. So, got back on the wagon on Monday...well kinda, just cut down from saturday. 11 smokes yesterday were consumed.
Today is a better day. Am at 8.5 smokes so far. Will be at 9 before the end of the night. Had made a goal of 10 smokes today. So, I guess I can do it. Now to keep it going. Today wasn't too hard to make it through. Sure there were moments that all I wanted to do was smoke, but those moments passed and I kept going!! Tomorrow the goal is 9 (I think). Am going to make it 9, but will push to see if 8 can be achieved. The more I can cut down this week the better things may be for me.
If all goes right I am going to become smoke free early next week. This is if the wagon doesn't push me off first. The plan is : next week the house will be free of smokers, so if I can be without the extra influence for the first couple of days that may give me a good start. I haven't told anyone over the age of 3 in the house that I intend to quit at all. From what I see they have noticed something, but haven't put 2 and 2 together yet. I wanted to do this totally on my own and for me. Don't need the quirky comments or silent pauses or anything else they wanna or could give me. I want surprise and quiet wait for me to either succeed or fail!!! This may just give me the added push to prove them wrong. As stated earlier a big plus will be there will be no other smokers in the house. The cons of doing this is that it is just me and my daughter in the house. No real means of escape if needed for the cravings. Another con is due to the family not knowing, they are going to make sure that I am fully prepared for the week away. This includes making sure I have enough smokes to cover the week. So, although no one will be smoking, there will still be the allure of cigarettes within the house! Will have to plan to make sure that they are not TOO accessible to me. Guess I have to have the temptation around. Won't be long before it will be here on a daily and hourly basis. Better get used to it early!
With this week of family being gone, I am also attempting one other thing. My daughter is going to be sleeping in her own room and on her own during this week. This means that she is moving into a new room upstairs and is not going to have the security of a mom really close by when awoken! Will be a very interesting week. Sure it will be difficult at times, but worth the end result. Will make bed time a whole lot easier and easier for babysitters to put her to sleep when the time comes! Have got to keep reminding myself of the freedom that the both of us will have in the end!!
As for health and weight loss. Have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and have to make appointments for my physical and skin tag removal on Thursday. Also have an ultrasound booked for early October to make sure all is well in my stomach and abdomin. That is where the health sits. At the moment I am not making weight loss a huge issue. Am trying to make sure I do active things when the craving hit, but am not making a bid deal of not loosing any weight. Am watching to make sure the weight does not go up much further than where I sit at the moment. Did take measurements though...... weight 224........ bust 45 inches.... waist 52 inches and hips 48 inches. No gain since I started to write here, so I guess that is a good thing! will see what next couple weeks bring with that as well!
Think that is all for now! am getting tired!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
What to do today??
I sit here as my baby watches a TV show and ponder what to do?? Things I should be doing is something active and easy to get away from the smoking. So, options for today: wash windows, vaccuum floors and clean bathroom.
Got 4 windows done, the floor is done and I didn't go near the bathroom with her up. Too many nasty chemicals to worry about with her around.
Here is how things are truly going. Guess I should tell you how I am doing things before I say how I am doing. Well, through a weeks worth of baselining I found that the average amount of cigarettes I go through in a day is 20. So I started with 15 yesterday and am going to see what comes from there. Yesterday was really difficult. I found that I ran out of cigarettes before the day was done. So, I made it a point to go to bed when Carrie did so I would not be sitting around craving and wanting and break things on the first day. Today was alot easier. I am very close to going to bed and I still have 3 smokes left. Big difference from the 2 days. Am going to do 1 more day of 15 and Thursday I am going to cut it down to 13. Give that 2 or 3 days and go from there. Am going to cut at least 1 smoke out every couple of days. Slowly but surely it will cut down to none and then I be a none smoker. Am giving myself until Oct 11 to be down to none, am hoping for sooner though. Think by the time I get down to a couple I may just say screw it and go cold turkey from there. Will see when we get that close!
As for loss of weight I woke early enough to do almost a whole exercise movie today. Was excited that I made it through most of it! I have truly realized that I am SSOOO out of shape. Was sweating before the warm up was over. I figure if I can do a couple movies every week then that is a start. Would love to do walks around the neighborhood, but I fear with a toddler the walk would be snail walk (not effective for getting heart rate up). Although she does like to watch me go up the stairs.
Am thinking of putting full statistics on here. Weight, measurements and pictures too. This way I have a documented area that not only others can see, but I can too!!! This way I will have before and after pics to compare.
Nothing really new or exciting going on here. Am doing the last of the moves for Carrie to have her bed in her bedroom upstairs. This way she can have her own room. Is going to be a big change, but it will be good for us (I think). It will probably be a bigger change for me than her. I really like being so close to her so I can hear her breathe and stir!!! Oh well, guess that has to come eventually!
Got 4 windows done, the floor is done and I didn't go near the bathroom with her up. Too many nasty chemicals to worry about with her around.
Here is how things are truly going. Guess I should tell you how I am doing things before I say how I am doing. Well, through a weeks worth of baselining I found that the average amount of cigarettes I go through in a day is 20. So I started with 15 yesterday and am going to see what comes from there. Yesterday was really difficult. I found that I ran out of cigarettes before the day was done. So, I made it a point to go to bed when Carrie did so I would not be sitting around craving and wanting and break things on the first day. Today was alot easier. I am very close to going to bed and I still have 3 smokes left. Big difference from the 2 days. Am going to do 1 more day of 15 and Thursday I am going to cut it down to 13. Give that 2 or 3 days and go from there. Am going to cut at least 1 smoke out every couple of days. Slowly but surely it will cut down to none and then I be a none smoker. Am giving myself until Oct 11 to be down to none, am hoping for sooner though. Think by the time I get down to a couple I may just say screw it and go cold turkey from there. Will see when we get that close!
As for loss of weight I woke early enough to do almost a whole exercise movie today. Was excited that I made it through most of it! I have truly realized that I am SSOOO out of shape. Was sweating before the warm up was over. I figure if I can do a couple movies every week then that is a start. Would love to do walks around the neighborhood, but I fear with a toddler the walk would be snail walk (not effective for getting heart rate up). Although she does like to watch me go up the stairs.
Am thinking of putting full statistics on here. Weight, measurements and pictures too. This way I have a documented area that not only others can see, but I can too!!! This way I will have before and after pics to compare.
Nothing really new or exciting going on here. Am doing the last of the moves for Carrie to have her bed in her bedroom upstairs. This way she can have her own room. Is going to be a big change, but it will be good for us (I think). It will probably be a bigger change for me than her. I really like being so close to her so I can hear her breathe and stir!!! Oh well, guess that has to come eventually!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I saw him again!!!
Well, my brithday has come and gone. Was pretty uneventful morning. Had a cranky baby from the wake up.... so back to bed she went until 11:30. Then pancakes and a change of plans. Was suppost to go to sisters for dinner and a night over there, but lines got crossed and she worked the evening. So, that was a bust. Was going to spend the day at home with my baby doing everything boring and the same. Then we decided that we could go and see this ho down thing at the Rez. And that is where I saw him again.
Was wondering if he was going to be there and he initially wasn't there. Had Carrie jumping in the big moon walk jumpy thing, I turned around and tada... he came around the corner. It was as though I was meant to turn around just at that moment. OH the hair, the eyes, that smile and that bum!!! I melted at that moment, as I always do when he comes around.
Then without warning he surprises me again. He does this every once in awhile. I have known for a long time that he is a good native singer and drummer, but it was recently that I saw him play a guitar. There was a surprise. Then he amazed me farther by showing me that he could dance. Another big surprise. And today the surprise was he could sing (in English) and play guitar at the same time. He sang 2 Johnny Cash song and my ears were amazed! I could have just taken him backstage and smothered him with love at that moment.
Ok, my mind could have smothered him with love. That is the thing. I can look and smile and imagine all the wonderful things, but when it comes time I do nothing. Case and point : later that day I had Carrie in the jumpy thing again and he brought his girlfriends kids there and he was standing right beside me. Did I say anything or do anything.... nope, just made as though I was watching Carrie and didn't see him. And when he knew that I knew he was there I just smiled, crossed my arms and looked away!
Boy, the things that the mind can do that your body and will doesn't let you do. The courage and strength always runs when faced with such things. My heart aches with the idea of him and the things he might say and do. Funny what lust can bring the mind to do!
I feel like a teenager with a crush. I have always been like that. And I fear I always will be like that. When it comes time I always have the bad, bring me down thoughts that I seem to never be able to fight off. Funny now I have those feelings more than not. For the amount I try and keep it positive, tis truly too hard. Is easier to live in the dream land of maybe. Cuz the reality usually is not all that one thinks it is!!!
Well, I think I said enough about him!!! Well, was going to tell him via fb that he did well. Thought that may have been a good way to at least talk to him via internet. That way I hide the face turning red and rambling words that I would have. He disappered off of fb. Think that is the fates telling me not to contact him and just deal with the reality. Live in the dream because it is all too good and I can have it turn out anyway I want it too!!!
Was wondering if he was going to be there and he initially wasn't there. Had Carrie jumping in the big moon walk jumpy thing, I turned around and tada... he came around the corner. It was as though I was meant to turn around just at that moment. OH the hair, the eyes, that smile and that bum!!! I melted at that moment, as I always do when he comes around.
Then without warning he surprises me again. He does this every once in awhile. I have known for a long time that he is a good native singer and drummer, but it was recently that I saw him play a guitar. There was a surprise. Then he amazed me farther by showing me that he could dance. Another big surprise. And today the surprise was he could sing (in English) and play guitar at the same time. He sang 2 Johnny Cash song and my ears were amazed! I could have just taken him backstage and smothered him with love at that moment.
Ok, my mind could have smothered him with love. That is the thing. I can look and smile and imagine all the wonderful things, but when it comes time I do nothing. Case and point : later that day I had Carrie in the jumpy thing again and he brought his girlfriends kids there and he was standing right beside me. Did I say anything or do anything.... nope, just made as though I was watching Carrie and didn't see him. And when he knew that I knew he was there I just smiled, crossed my arms and looked away!
Boy, the things that the mind can do that your body and will doesn't let you do. The courage and strength always runs when faced with such things. My heart aches with the idea of him and the things he might say and do. Funny what lust can bring the mind to do!
I feel like a teenager with a crush. I have always been like that. And I fear I always will be like that. When it comes time I always have the bad, bring me down thoughts that I seem to never be able to fight off. Funny now I have those feelings more than not. For the amount I try and keep it positive, tis truly too hard. Is easier to live in the dream land of maybe. Cuz the reality usually is not all that one thinks it is!!!
Well, I think I said enough about him!!! Well, was going to tell him via fb that he did well. Thought that may have been a good way to at least talk to him via internet. That way I hide the face turning red and rambling words that I would have. He disappered off of fb. Think that is the fates telling me not to contact him and just deal with the reality. Live in the dream because it is all too good and I can have it turn out anyway I want it too!!!
Hopefully quick and painless!!
well, it is the day before my birthday and I am tired. So, I gonna make this short!
Well, I have been to the doctor and now I have 4 or 5 different testing things to go through to make sure I ok. He not sure if I ok or not, hopefully all goes ok with all the testing. Don't think there is anything to worry about, but there always that little bit of wonder there!
Carrie has done really well with the outing I have had the last 3 days. I went shopping, to the doctors, to bingo, and to do bloodwork without her. Was kinda nice not to entertain a little one for awhile.
There is something plaguing the mind tonight. Was at a friends house the other day and noticed a victim services info packet on the fridge. When I asked about it the response was "pretend you never saw it (as it was put in a drawer) and don't ask questions so I don't have to lie to you". What should a person take away from this???
So, in efforts to get healthy and eat right and quit smoking. I have purchased a whole whack of good healthy stuff and have cleaned out what I could of the not so good stuff from the house. There still are many things that I could not get rid of due to parents wanting them in the house, but I tried. And I have started to track my smoking behavior. Am noticing when I on puter I smoke lots and I just smoke lots in general!
Other than that, I can't think of anything else! Guess I will have to tell you about the birthday after it happens. Should be pretty uneventful. Am going to my sisters tomorrow
Well, I have been to the doctor and now I have 4 or 5 different testing things to go through to make sure I ok. He not sure if I ok or not, hopefully all goes ok with all the testing. Don't think there is anything to worry about, but there always that little bit of wonder there!
Carrie has done really well with the outing I have had the last 3 days. I went shopping, to the doctors, to bingo, and to do bloodwork without her. Was kinda nice not to entertain a little one for awhile.
There is something plaguing the mind tonight. Was at a friends house the other day and noticed a victim services info packet on the fridge. When I asked about it the response was "pretend you never saw it (as it was put in a drawer) and don't ask questions so I don't have to lie to you". What should a person take away from this???
So, in efforts to get healthy and eat right and quit smoking. I have purchased a whole whack of good healthy stuff and have cleaned out what I could of the not so good stuff from the house. There still are many things that I could not get rid of due to parents wanting them in the house, but I tried. And I have started to track my smoking behavior. Am noticing when I on puter I smoke lots and I just smoke lots in general!
Other than that, I can't think of anything else! Guess I will have to tell you about the birthday after it happens. Should be pretty uneventful. Am going to my sisters tomorrow
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
another day, another dollar lost!!!
Well, it has been eventful the last couple days yet nothing circumstantial. We had a play date with good friends today. It was an excellent date. It all went downhill after the date though........ 5 tantrums throughout the rest of the evening. Lots of crying and being unhappy this evening. It sure does test me as a person and a mom!!! Have to admit it was hard and I did loose my cool at some moments within. Hate when the tantrums are full out whale and kicking and throwing herself back. Makes you almost break, but within a few minutes you melt again!
As for all the health ideas. Funny, for how determined I was a couple days ago, I sure seemed to have forgotten all that and doubt has slipped into the mind. Its the whole beat myself before I am even challenged for it. I atmit I am totally lazy and for as much as I talk am ok to stay lazy!!!! I keep thinking of all the things I need to do but can't get enough gumption to do them. And its not the why change kind of ideas, I just don't want to do them. Would rather think of them. Am hoping something will change within my mind and it will all just jump into place! Maybe the doctors appointment on thursday will give me the kick in the ass that I need!!
Am thinking of things that I can do to make some money without having to inconvenience anyone too much with things. Have been looking through neighboring town to no avail. All the work there needs to be qualified this or that. Nothing for a single mom that needs part time job to slowly go into full time!!! I could go into the next town after that..... but that puts people out even farther than before. I need the job and money to move into a town that I can move around in on my own but with nothing close I find myself getting nowhere fast!!
OK...... birthday is 4 days away and it gets more like a regular day than anything else. My parents non chalantly handed me a $5.00 bear and says happy birthday and walk away. all the goals I am setting up for I am breaking down before I even start. All I know is I have been smoking more years than not as of 31 and I am at the worst health I have ever been. I break a sweat somedays just walking up the stairs. I mean, come on.... 13 stairs and I outof breathe! Yet, as these things are said it does nothing to motivate me. Just make me think of changing things without doing anything. I sure eventually something will just jump and I will start doing things..... but until then I get to live with my self loathing!!!
OK, that all for tonight, see what the next couple days bring!
As for all the health ideas. Funny, for how determined I was a couple days ago, I sure seemed to have forgotten all that and doubt has slipped into the mind. Its the whole beat myself before I am even challenged for it. I atmit I am totally lazy and for as much as I talk am ok to stay lazy!!!! I keep thinking of all the things I need to do but can't get enough gumption to do them. And its not the why change kind of ideas, I just don't want to do them. Would rather think of them. Am hoping something will change within my mind and it will all just jump into place! Maybe the doctors appointment on thursday will give me the kick in the ass that I need!!
Am thinking of things that I can do to make some money without having to inconvenience anyone too much with things. Have been looking through neighboring town to no avail. All the work there needs to be qualified this or that. Nothing for a single mom that needs part time job to slowly go into full time!!! I could go into the next town after that..... but that puts people out even farther than before. I need the job and money to move into a town that I can move around in on my own but with nothing close I find myself getting nowhere fast!!
OK...... birthday is 4 days away and it gets more like a regular day than anything else. My parents non chalantly handed me a $5.00 bear and says happy birthday and walk away. all the goals I am setting up for I am breaking down before I even start. All I know is I have been smoking more years than not as of 31 and I am at the worst health I have ever been. I break a sweat somedays just walking up the stairs. I mean, come on.... 13 stairs and I outof breathe! Yet, as these things are said it does nothing to motivate me. Just make me think of changing things without doing anything. I sure eventually something will just jump and I will start doing things..... but until then I get to live with my self loathing!!!
OK, that all for tonight, see what the next couple days bring!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
All thoughts, but no talking about it!
Well, it has been a couple days and here are my thoughts that are going through my mind. So, many things I wanna change. I realize that I am at the most unhealthy I have ever been. Not a good thing considering I have a 2 year old that I am having a hard time keeping up with. So, ideas of loosing weight getting more active, and quitting smoking are hard pressed on my mind. Am thinking all this thought is due to the 31st birthday is coming in 6 days. Was thinking about it the other day, I have now been a smoker for more years than I have not been! That is a scarry thought! It also scares me that I cannot keep up with my little girl. How the hell am I going to keep up with her when she gets coordinated ebough to play full games of things!!!
So, as I said in the first post, I have appointments for a multitude of doctors to make sure all aspects of my health are coming in order! Not too worried about most of them. Am so very scared about the general doctor though. He is the one that is going to tell me about all of the naughty naughty things I have been doing to my body. I know the first visit is going to be questions and assessment, so not much naughty, but it will come eventually!! Tis on Thursday and I wish it was sooner to get it over with! oh well, guess it is close enough.
Guess I should write a little about my little girl. Her aunty Louise and Uncle Pat came out to visit for a little while. She so loves her aunt and uncle. She is making me laugh in new and exciting ways every day. Yesterday she and I was talking and she looked at me and made a funny ha ha ha as she says you funny mommy. All I could do was laugh.
well, until another day!
So, as I said in the first post, I have appointments for a multitude of doctors to make sure all aspects of my health are coming in order! Not too worried about most of them. Am so very scared about the general doctor though. He is the one that is going to tell me about all of the naughty naughty things I have been doing to my body. I know the first visit is going to be questions and assessment, so not much naughty, but it will come eventually!! Tis on Thursday and I wish it was sooner to get it over with! oh well, guess it is close enough.
Guess I should write a little about my little girl. Her aunty Louise and Uncle Pat came out to visit for a little while. She so loves her aunt and uncle. She is making me laugh in new and exciting ways every day. Yesterday she and I was talking and she looked at me and made a funny ha ha ha as she says you funny mommy. All I could do was laugh.
well, until another day!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
first post
well, have been thinking of writing things once or twice a week with all the things that have happend throughout the day and week. There will be the good, the bad and the ugly in here....
So, before I go any farther..... remember this is just the thoughts and ideas of the moments. DO NOT take it personally..... but don't hold back with comments either. I'll keep it real and I expect others to keep it real as well.
Am thinking that being 31 in a cople days isn't a big deal, but I gonna make it one!!! I gonna start changing this this year...... thinking it is time to do so. Am going to get myself a little better for the wear. Have gotten a doc appointment..... hopefully I will be on the way to having a regular doctor that can show me the health and stuff. Also have eye appointment and dentist... get all me in check and start to get the health thing going!
So, before I go any farther..... remember this is just the thoughts and ideas of the moments. DO NOT take it personally..... but don't hold back with comments either. I'll keep it real and I expect others to keep it real as well.
Am thinking that being 31 in a cople days isn't a big deal, but I gonna make it one!!! I gonna start changing this this year...... thinking it is time to do so. Am going to get myself a little better for the wear. Have gotten a doc appointment..... hopefully I will be on the way to having a regular doctor that can show me the health and stuff. Also have eye appointment and dentist... get all me in check and start to get the health thing going!
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