It has been 2 days since my last writing. Sure, I know, go from none in years to multiple just to confuse everyone! I just thought I would update and let myself know what was going on.
Yesterday was a very bitter sweet day for me. I have been excited for Carrie Anne's kindergarten graduation for awhile now, but it was tainted by sad news. My brother in law who has been fighting cancer for the past year past away. It was in the early hours of the morning that he passed and it broke all of our hearts. We all agreed that just because our hearts were broken we did not want to dampen her very special day. So, we all pretended to be a happy family for her!
Her graduation was beautiful. They sang songs and walked across the stage to get their little diploma's and the teacher said a little speech about each one. Carrie is quiet and patient, knows all her letters and sounds, can count well and wants to be an artist when she grows up because she likes to draw!I had many tears during that ceremony and i have to admit there were a few that were not due to her graduating.
I spent much time going through my head how I was going to tell Carrie when the time came. I played out all possible ways with all possible outcomes, but I often thought I could just continue thinking of it because it wasn't here yet. Well, now it was and I had to tell her soon than later. I didn't want her to overhear and freak out. So, out for a walk we went. We made it half way around the block and I just told her. Said he was in heaven and that we would see him again one day. Her response was amazing. For a 6 year old I would have expected many questions and not a full understanding of it. She had 1 question : she asked if we would see Uncle again? I said no, and that was it. She moved us onto another topic before I could blink.
That's another example of how she amazes me daily. Her quiet and calm strength, her ability to just get it, and how she is so collected about things, makes me wonder where she gets it from! I am very grateful that she is in my life and I thank my lucky stars that someone has sent her my way!
Friday, June 20, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
OMG!!!!!!!
I cannot believe it has been two years since I last wrote a word on here! OK, I can believe it and I remember why!
What have I done in the last 2 years?? not much really. I have walked my girl to the bus stop for her first year of school this year. She has her kindergarten graduation tomorrow! Mommy is very proud, and a little sad too! This means that she is not the little girl I loved her being . She now has big ideas and her problems are getting slowly bigger. Not sure if I can handle the bigger problems and that scares me.
I have also watched my brother in law slowly deteriorate and wither away. He is now the shell of a man he was at the beginning of last year. He has leukemia and it will kill him. I fear he is really close to the end of his life. Its funny that I am not worried about sadness, or how his family or my sister or niece will be. I am so very scared of what Carrie will take out of this! I know that eventually everyone learns about deal and dying, but it sucks that she is just 6 and has been watching uncle decline in front of her!
I have a great nephew as well! He is 17 months old and is named Wyatt. He is a handsome little boy with an attitude to match his mothers. I see many a fight in their future! he and Carrie and growing up like brother and sister, due to all living under one roof! |It is great to have the closeness in the house. |I am sure we will need it sooner than later!
On the positive note, today is day 109 for not smoking! it has been a long battle that is far from over. Every day I want to be a smoker and smoke. I miss it so very much it bugs me muchly. Then i have moments of thanks that I no longer need that addiction! This is the scary part, the longest I have ever been without smoking was 112 days. So, I will be the farthest I have ever been in a couple days.
With this great achievement comes another gain. Yup, almost 30 pounds of it!! I feel like a whale out of water. Nothing fits anymore and my body aches. I had someone tell me when I first quit smoking that by the summer I will be running around with Carrie with no loss of breathe or the coughing. I don't cough anymore (and I didn't before either) and I am no closer to keeping up with her! Just can't seem to keep the silver lining bright. Am still looking at the dark side of the moon!!
Anyway, that's it. In a nutshell, my life in 5 short paragraphs. WOW!!!
What have I done in the last 2 years?? not much really. I have walked my girl to the bus stop for her first year of school this year. She has her kindergarten graduation tomorrow! Mommy is very proud, and a little sad too! This means that she is not the little girl I loved her being . She now has big ideas and her problems are getting slowly bigger. Not sure if I can handle the bigger problems and that scares me.
I have also watched my brother in law slowly deteriorate and wither away. He is now the shell of a man he was at the beginning of last year. He has leukemia and it will kill him. I fear he is really close to the end of his life. Its funny that I am not worried about sadness, or how his family or my sister or niece will be. I am so very scared of what Carrie will take out of this! I know that eventually everyone learns about deal and dying, but it sucks that she is just 6 and has been watching uncle decline in front of her!
I have a great nephew as well! He is 17 months old and is named Wyatt. He is a handsome little boy with an attitude to match his mothers. I see many a fight in their future! he and Carrie and growing up like brother and sister, due to all living under one roof! |It is great to have the closeness in the house. |I am sure we will need it sooner than later!
On the positive note, today is day 109 for not smoking! it has been a long battle that is far from over. Every day I want to be a smoker and smoke. I miss it so very much it bugs me muchly. Then i have moments of thanks that I no longer need that addiction! This is the scary part, the longest I have ever been without smoking was 112 days. So, I will be the farthest I have ever been in a couple days.
With this great achievement comes another gain. Yup, almost 30 pounds of it!! I feel like a whale out of water. Nothing fits anymore and my body aches. I had someone tell me when I first quit smoking that by the summer I will be running around with Carrie with no loss of breathe or the coughing. I don't cough anymore (and I didn't before either) and I am no closer to keeping up with her! Just can't seem to keep the silver lining bright. Am still looking at the dark side of the moon!!
Anyway, that's it. In a nutshell, my life in 5 short paragraphs. WOW!!!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The big and the skinny
I know, I know. I said that I was going to write in here more frequently but here is the skinny. My computer has been and still is avting like a complete and utter shit. So, that makes me not get in or on it frequently. I have tried 4 or 5 times, to no avail. If I would have gotten on there would be at least 4 posts already!!!
Now to the big. I am proud to say that the battle such far has been fairly triumphant. I started my weight January 1 with 209 pounds and as of last Monday the weight was 193. So, for those that can't do the math, that is 16 pounds. I can already start to feel it. Feels kinda great! Am working towards the 180's. Would like to be 185 by end of February, although will take a lower number if they want to give it to me! he he he!
The smoking is still there. I am ready a book about it right now called The Easy way To Stop Smoking! Ha.... I laugh in the face of this book. If it was that easy everyone would be doing it!!! But so far it is an interesting read with many many helpful resources to use!! Will have to wait and see how quickly I make it through!
Anyway, can't think of much more. Think I will go back to bed. After all it is just 5 AM and I had it in my head to just wake up and pee! Will hopefully write again soon. If not, know that I am doing well as I hope everyone else is doing well also!
NOTE: have to congratulate one of my dearest friends on her new baby girl!! even if I had to hear about it on facebook and not from any of the sources!!!
Now to the big. I am proud to say that the battle such far has been fairly triumphant. I started my weight January 1 with 209 pounds and as of last Monday the weight was 193. So, for those that can't do the math, that is 16 pounds. I can already start to feel it. Feels kinda great! Am working towards the 180's. Would like to be 185 by end of February, although will take a lower number if they want to give it to me! he he he!
The smoking is still there. I am ready a book about it right now called The Easy way To Stop Smoking! Ha.... I laugh in the face of this book. If it was that easy everyone would be doing it!!! But so far it is an interesting read with many many helpful resources to use!! Will have to wait and see how quickly I make it through!
Anyway, can't think of much more. Think I will go back to bed. After all it is just 5 AM and I had it in my head to just wake up and pee! Will hopefully write again soon. If not, know that I am doing well as I hope everyone else is doing well also!
NOTE: have to congratulate one of my dearest friends on her new baby girl!! even if I had to hear about it on facebook and not from any of the sources!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The end..... and the begining!!!!
I am making this the year in review post. This year has had ups and downs. I have an ever changing little girl that not only wants me to but expects me to change with her!! It is amazing how she has gone from such a little girl to an independant little thing. There is something about her that amazes me everyday!! She went from a crib this year to a big girl bed, diapers to fully potty trained, and stay at home with family to daycare most days. She helps every chance she gets and is always willing to learn more! There have been some trying times through the year with her. The daycare thing has and still is a bit of a trial and error thing. What started as a cry many times throughout the day for mom has turned to just a cry when I leave. That is a huge step. Christmas was wonderful and amazing for her. The look on her face when she saw all the presents was magical. I have etched that face in my head for easy viewing. I secretly am glad that myself alone got to share that first vision of the tree with her. Everyone else was asleep and she was sleeping in myh bed with me (to accomodate guests). so we woke up and went into the living room together! No camera's, no onlookers, just her and I in the excitement of the moment. Sure everyone was up within minutes of hearing us up, but those moments were hers and mine!
As for my year, it was full of ups and downs. Actually it was more same old same old stuff. Fought with myself for most of the year. Did go on a few little trips and I saved a little money, but nothing to truly right home about! I read 1 book all year and did half of a cross stitch pattern! Weight went up and down. Highest was beginning of the year at 228 and hit 204 at one point. Now I am at about 210. Quitting smoking was there and not there, as usual. Think that is all for me! Wow, can we tell where my interest in life is. 4 lines for me and 13 for Carrie. Think that is the way it is suppost to be!!!
So, now for next year. This is what I predict :
- the fight with weight will continue.... would like to see below 200 this year....would really like to see below 180
- the battle for smokng will continue!!!
- my job WILL change thisyear. I AM NOT going to spend another chistmas in retail and away from Carrie and the family
- the battle to save enough money to get Carrie and I on our own will continue. OR
- I WILL drive this year.... it will be the way to get me and Carrie out without having to leave.
- I would like to either change carrie into the bigger room or make 2 rooms downstairs. It is driving me crazy that I do not have a space of my own and I think splitting the bigger room downstairs into 2 will make that room mine again!
- 3 trips next year....1 mountains, 1 rodeo and 1 either camping or Victoria!
- I am going to get Carrie into some type of lessons this year. either swimming or dancing.... and maybe soccer. She likes those 3 things.
- I WILL write more in my blog. There are 16 entries for 2010. I would like to make it at least 24 in the next year. That is 2 a month. that is easy!!!
This is my motto for the year :
Someone smart once said the only time you truly fail is when you stop trying!!!
I know I have been given a wonderful opportunity to change things while being with others for support. This year I am going to take advantage of it and stop just watching it waste itself!!!
As for my year, it was full of ups and downs. Actually it was more same old same old stuff. Fought with myself for most of the year. Did go on a few little trips and I saved a little money, but nothing to truly right home about! I read 1 book all year and did half of a cross stitch pattern! Weight went up and down. Highest was beginning of the year at 228 and hit 204 at one point. Now I am at about 210. Quitting smoking was there and not there, as usual. Think that is all for me! Wow, can we tell where my interest in life is. 4 lines for me and 13 for Carrie. Think that is the way it is suppost to be!!!
So, now for next year. This is what I predict :
- the fight with weight will continue.... would like to see below 200 this year....would really like to see below 180
- the battle for smokng will continue!!!
- my job WILL change thisyear. I AM NOT going to spend another chistmas in retail and away from Carrie and the family
- the battle to save enough money to get Carrie and I on our own will continue. OR
- I WILL drive this year.... it will be the way to get me and Carrie out without having to leave.
- I would like to either change carrie into the bigger room or make 2 rooms downstairs. It is driving me crazy that I do not have a space of my own and I think splitting the bigger room downstairs into 2 will make that room mine again!
- 3 trips next year....1 mountains, 1 rodeo and 1 either camping or Victoria!
- I am going to get Carrie into some type of lessons this year. either swimming or dancing.... and maybe soccer. She likes those 3 things.
- I WILL write more in my blog. There are 16 entries for 2010. I would like to make it at least 24 in the next year. That is 2 a month. that is easy!!!
This is my motto for the year :
Someone smart once said the only time you truly fail is when you stop trying!!!
I know I have been given a wonderful opportunity to change things while being with others for support. This year I am going to take advantage of it and stop just watching it waste itself!!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Time to fill the void!!
This entry is dedicated to Darius Rucker and his song "it won't be like this ". If you know it you will understand why shortly!
It has been awhile and things have been crazy and chaotic! I have finally got my little girl into daycare. It was suppost to be a great and wonderful thing. I was hoping for a smooth transition and a fun and easy getaway into fun for her, but of course it is not how it worked! The first day and a half was magic. She really enjoyed all of the excitement of kids and all the new toys. Then she started to miss mommy and the struggle began. I have taken her crying into a place and left her there on a few occasions now and it breaks my heart every time. When we talk of daycare she starts to cry and it breaks my heart. Just the sadness of it all! I know it will not last that long, the broken heart just kills me! There are days I wonder how I am going to get through this. It just makes me wanna cry and hold her close and never let her go! But I know I must be strong and persist through this, even if it breaks my heart every day!
Now that I have the daycare in order (kinda) it is time to find something more daytime and scheduled for me. Am looking for somewhere in Morinville now to work. Would have to pay me enough to save up and be able to sustain me when and if I ever move into Morinville. I would very quickly move into morinville if given the right amount of chance and survival! It is not the city but it is also not the parents house! In the same kind of ideal it would be just as easy, if not easier, to get my license a vehicle and insurance. This way we do not leave the comfort that my baby is accustomed to!!
On all other fronts things are going backwards. I am gaining weight, increasing smoking and slowly loosing all cinfidence with myself!! Not sure how or why, but it just is!! lol
think that is all. The big thing on the mind is getting a girl comfortable with being in care!!! any ideas, please feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong!!!
It has been awhile and things have been crazy and chaotic! I have finally got my little girl into daycare. It was suppost to be a great and wonderful thing. I was hoping for a smooth transition and a fun and easy getaway into fun for her, but of course it is not how it worked! The first day and a half was magic. She really enjoyed all of the excitement of kids and all the new toys. Then she started to miss mommy and the struggle began. I have taken her crying into a place and left her there on a few occasions now and it breaks my heart every time. When we talk of daycare she starts to cry and it breaks my heart. Just the sadness of it all! I know it will not last that long, the broken heart just kills me! There are days I wonder how I am going to get through this. It just makes me wanna cry and hold her close and never let her go! But I know I must be strong and persist through this, even if it breaks my heart every day!
Now that I have the daycare in order (kinda) it is time to find something more daytime and scheduled for me. Am looking for somewhere in Morinville now to work. Would have to pay me enough to save up and be able to sustain me when and if I ever move into Morinville. I would very quickly move into morinville if given the right amount of chance and survival! It is not the city but it is also not the parents house! In the same kind of ideal it would be just as easy, if not easier, to get my license a vehicle and insurance. This way we do not leave the comfort that my baby is accustomed to!!
On all other fronts things are going backwards. I am gaining weight, increasing smoking and slowly loosing all cinfidence with myself!! Not sure how or why, but it just is!! lol
think that is all. The big thing on the mind is getting a girl comfortable with being in care!!! any ideas, please feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong!!!
Monday, September 12, 2011
time to get back to it... maybe!!!
Well, it has been quite awhile and nothing reallyhas changed. I still large and NOT in charge, lol. We have been to a rodeo and doing some sight seeing in Edmonton. Was hoping on a camping trip, but plans changed and Edmonton it was!!! It has been a nice little go. Still feels a little numb though.
I stood in a wedding on Saturday. What a fun day! Was more than 24 hours without my little girl. Was great til I saw all the kids running around and having fun.... then I missed her like crazy! The wedding kind of opened my eyes (for a little while anyway) as to life and love. Its the change can be good and love is a truly wonderful thing. You could just see it and it was wonderful! It prompted me to write here again just so that I can remember the moment a little bit. Hopefully it will serve as a remembering of what could be. I have to admit, I wanted that kind of love! It is truly amazing the love that you could just see... you didn't have to look far to see it on Saturday!
Not sure where the feelings are going to take me, but will be interesting to see if they do. Am hoping that they are not just a momentary feeling that hides in the shadows quickly! Will have to find something that will keep it there a little while!!!
Yesterday was my birthday, and it was kind of a run of the mill day. Nothing really big. We went for breakfast and then it was just my little girl and I for most of the day. We did have a cake later in the evening. Was bought more for my little girl so she could blow out the candles. I told her to make a wish for me before she blew out the candles and she wished for a firetruck!!! was really cute. Was nice to be home and able to do whatever I wanted to do!!
thik that is all for now..... jsut felt like It was time to fill a little in there again!!! Need to keep up on it again for a little while!!!
Talk again soon!
I stood in a wedding on Saturday. What a fun day! Was more than 24 hours without my little girl. Was great til I saw all the kids running around and having fun.... then I missed her like crazy! The wedding kind of opened my eyes (for a little while anyway) as to life and love. Its the change can be good and love is a truly wonderful thing. You could just see it and it was wonderful! It prompted me to write here again just so that I can remember the moment a little bit. Hopefully it will serve as a remembering of what could be. I have to admit, I wanted that kind of love! It is truly amazing the love that you could just see... you didn't have to look far to see it on Saturday!
Not sure where the feelings are going to take me, but will be interesting to see if they do. Am hoping that they are not just a momentary feeling that hides in the shadows quickly! Will have to find something that will keep it there a little while!!!
Yesterday was my birthday, and it was kind of a run of the mill day. Nothing really big. We went for breakfast and then it was just my little girl and I for most of the day. We did have a cake later in the evening. Was bought more for my little girl so she could blow out the candles. I told her to make a wish for me before she blew out the candles and she wished for a firetruck!!! was really cute. Was nice to be home and able to do whatever I wanted to do!!
thik that is all for now..... jsut felt like It was time to fill a little in there again!!! Need to keep up on it again for a little while!!!
Talk again soon!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Here comes another one!!!!
well, it has been awhile but nothing much has changed.
Lets see, I have a little girl who is in love with heya heya dancing. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't ask to go or to listen to the music so she can dance! I love the thought and sight of her dancing. She is just so happy and excited when she is dancing, she is like a different baby. Whe have taken her to 3 or 4 pow wows now and I have seen her grow and thrive there in no way I thought I would see her. She goes out by herself and nows where to go when she is done and she just does it! She has reminded me to go out and have fun and not care what everyone thinks of you!!
I am taking her to the rodeo next weekend. I wonder what she will teach me there!! lol Hoping it will all be fun. It should be. After all the entire family is going to be there. Including Pat, Louise and Cheyanne!! Then the weekend after we are having a hot tub weekend celebrating all the summer/fall birthdays. That should be great too. And the week after that we are going to the mountains with a friend of mine. It should be great fun. I can't wait for it all to come into play!!! Think it is just what I need, hopefully!!!!
Anyway, that is all for now!
Lets see, I have a little girl who is in love with heya heya dancing. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't ask to go or to listen to the music so she can dance! I love the thought and sight of her dancing. She is just so happy and excited when she is dancing, she is like a different baby. Whe have taken her to 3 or 4 pow wows now and I have seen her grow and thrive there in no way I thought I would see her. She goes out by herself and nows where to go when she is done and she just does it! She has reminded me to go out and have fun and not care what everyone thinks of you!!
I am taking her to the rodeo next weekend. I wonder what she will teach me there!! lol Hoping it will all be fun. It should be. After all the entire family is going to be there. Including Pat, Louise and Cheyanne!! Then the weekend after we are having a hot tub weekend celebrating all the summer/fall birthdays. That should be great too. And the week after that we are going to the mountains with a friend of mine. It should be great fun. I can't wait for it all to come into play!!! Think it is just what I need, hopefully!!!!
Anyway, that is all for now!
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