ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR!!!!!!

I can't believe that it has been so long since the last. I think this every time I  come to write again. So much always happens in between and I fear I miss the good stuff. Chances are I don't, but I think I might.

Since last time I started a new position within Walmart. I am now a fashion processor. It is great but tough at the same time. I get to be home every day after school for Carrie, but I also start at 6AM. This means an early wake up for me and whoever is driving me to work. Was hoping that I would find someone close that would have the same or similar shift for a ride, but to no avail. I like most of what I do. It just gets overwhelming sometimes. The stock keeps coming and there are not enough hours in the shift to process it all. It's an OK situation for the moment. My manager states that I am too smart for the job and to stick with her. I think she has big plans for me.I dislike not knowing where she is going with me, but I will be patient because I trust her!

In other news: I have booked a trip for Carrie and I in November. We are going to Disneyland. I am so excited to see her there and all the excitement in her eyes. The plane, Disneyland itself, The San Diego Zoo, and Sea World. We have breakfast planned with the princess'. It is all she talks about. Every day she tells me how excited she is and how we have to have enough money to go. I love that I can give her this dream, but it scares me too. The what happens if I don't have the money, or the she can't go on something because I can't ( I will give reasoning in the next section), or all of the other what ifs.... what happens then?   I still owe $1300 on the trip and then there is spending money. I know mom and dad will help, but I want to do this for her. She is my girl and she deserves the world.

Now, on to me personally. I have been a non smoker for almost 15 months. It has been an uphill battle. I don't miss or even think about it most of the time. When I do, I really miss it! It does not happen as often as it used to, which is a nice thing. I am finding that I am becoming that non smoker that no smoker likes. I remind my sister daily of how good she would feel if she stopped, and the money she would save on them. She wouldn't be stretched for money then! I am still suffering with the weight gain. It has gone to 40 pounds, and I really feel it. The reasoning I left out earlier was due to my weight. Earlier this year I took Carrie to galaxy land and I was denied access on a ride because I was too big for it to close properly and just barely got buckled into another one! This scares me that I will not be able to go on rides with her. So, I have to take a really good look at things and get my butt in gear!!! Now the smoking is done, my focus is changing. I have already noticed where I am going to start my changes. AND I am bringing my family along for the ride. I am going to boycott them when grocery shopping and make sure our good stuff outweighs the others. I am going to start slowly, but I will get there.... I have to make myself better for my girl!

My head was in a bad spot fr a long time. I was upset with the world and I still kind of am. There are many things that I just can't control that I don't like. I have been missing my brother in law for a long time. It made me angry with my sister. All of her choices were against him and not for herself  (my thinking). It hurt my heart that she replaced him so fast and with the same kind of life. She still has to take care of everything and everyone. He has health issues and works up north for months at a time. She deserves more than that. Someone should baby her and take care of her and ease her worries!! But , it is her choice. I went and had a talk and a cry with Pat yesterday (his ashes anyway) and it eased my thinking a little bit. I put all of my heart aches and worries and thought processes out there with his ashes. Not sure if he got to hear the talk or not, but I think he did. I saw an eagle fly over Carrie and I later that day, so I know he was around. I asked him to watch over us and help guide me when I have lost my way!! I relaxed once I saw that eagle, and I was able to talk to Louise about her boyfriend briefly without anger or ridicule!  I think that is what was needed.

I'm still not out of the funk in my brain. I still feel like I am missing something in my life, but I am changing my focus. I am changing what I can and the rest will fall into place, or it was never meant to be! I want to try 3 things soon. I want to try Zumba (there is a class in Morinville, but I will not go alone), I am going to try yoga and get back into meditation! that is where I am going to start. I have had 1 yoga class years ago, and I fear I will be worse than last time, but I remember it felt so good to stretch my body! My mind used to be so clear from meditation that I often wonder why I ever stopped it. Think it was just business in life, that needs to slow down!

Well, I think that is all for now! I will hopefully write again soon. For sure before we go to Disneyland. I am going to make the ext one all POSITIVE!! That is the goal!!! Goodnight to all and to all a good night!!!