Back on the wagon!

ok.... has been about a week since that little spurt of 'beat myself up' mentality. Has been quite the week. Lots of ups and downs throughout the week. Am getting back on board with my health. Was able to make appointments for all the things the doc wants me to do! So, that is back on track.

As of today my goal is 13 cigarettes!. Need to get back on tis wagon. As someone once said, you never truly fail unless you give up!  So we will call that little fallback a fall off the wagon. A regroup if you will. Now, time to change it and go again. As I cut back I am thinking of things that I need to change in order to make it easier for me this time!  My biggest hurdle is always having it around me. It is too easy, quick and without thought to light up when someone else does!  Am leary to tell those around me though. Have put them through too many hairbrain ideas that I never completed. I don't need another false yay me from them. The knowing that in the back of their minds they are saying ya right. Think this is the big challenge. The wow factor if I pulled this off would be great!  Tis easy to stop for a few days..... it would be the long haul that would get me! lol

Seems the motivation is not as high as it was the last time that I started all of this. Is the learyness that I will not succeed once again! Am trying to change it to I will NOT fail again, but I too much of a realist to let that be the main ideal!

uh oh!!!!

Well, it has been quite awhile since the last time that I posted. And boy have things changed, and not in a good way.  There is no good progress in anything that I have planned and worked towards.  I have lost all gumtion to do any of the goals that I have set myself up for. All of the reasons why are still there, just can't I muster enough of myself to continue with what I need to do. Am back to smoking 20 cigarettes a day and not caring at all about how I feel or weigh! 

Can't tell you exactly what changed. Was kind of a wake up one morning without any motivation to keep trying. I mean, really, what can I change!. I am only one and it is too easy to not change over the change. What part of all of this did I do wrong. I keep letting the non motivation win and I don't know how to change it! maybe I don't want to change it!

Who knows what is going on with me. All I know is that I have failed all that believe (again). 

Please stand by for another small spurt of motivation, only to be flawed with the lake of persistance that always breaks me!!!