I can't believe that it has been so long since the last. I think this every time I come to write again. So much always happens in between and I fear I miss the good stuff. Chances are I don't, but I think I might.
Since last time I started a new position within Walmart. I am now a fashion processor. It is great but tough at the same time. I get to be home every day after school for Carrie, but I also start at 6AM. This means an early wake up for me and whoever is driving me to work. Was hoping that I would find someone close that would have the same or similar shift for a ride, but to no avail. I like most of what I do. It just gets overwhelming sometimes. The stock keeps coming and there are not enough hours in the shift to process it all. It's an OK situation for the moment. My manager states that I am too smart for the job and to stick with her. I think she has big plans for me.I dislike not knowing where she is going with me, but I will be patient because I trust her!
In other news: I have booked a trip for Carrie and I in November. We are going to Disneyland. I am so excited to see her there and all the excitement in her eyes. The plane, Disneyland itself, The San Diego Zoo, and Sea World. We have breakfast planned with the princess'. It is all she talks about. Every day she tells me how excited she is and how we have to have enough money to go. I love that I can give her this dream, but it scares me too. The what happens if I don't have the money, or the she can't go on something because I can't ( I will give reasoning in the next section), or all of the other what ifs.... what happens then? I still owe $1300 on the trip and then there is spending money. I know mom and dad will help, but I want to do this for her. She is my girl and she deserves the world.
Now, on to me personally. I have been a non smoker for almost 15 months. It has been an uphill battle. I don't miss or even think about it most of the time. When I do, I really miss it! It does not happen as often as it used to, which is a nice thing. I am finding that I am becoming that non smoker that no smoker likes. I remind my sister daily of how good she would feel if she stopped, and the money she would save on them. She wouldn't be stretched for money then! I am still suffering with the weight gain. It has gone to 40 pounds, and I really feel it. The reasoning I left out earlier was due to my weight. Earlier this year I took Carrie to galaxy land and I was denied access on a ride because I was too big for it to close properly and just barely got buckled into another one! This scares me that I will not be able to go on rides with her. So, I have to take a really good look at things and get my butt in gear!!! Now the smoking is done, my focus is changing. I have already noticed where I am going to start my changes. AND I am bringing my family along for the ride. I am going to boycott them when grocery shopping and make sure our good stuff outweighs the others. I am going to start slowly, but I will get there.... I have to make myself better for my girl!
My head was in a bad spot fr a long time. I was upset with the world and I still kind of am. There are many things that I just can't control that I don't like. I have been missing my brother in law for a long time. It made me angry with my sister. All of her choices were against him and not for herself (my thinking). It hurt my heart that she replaced him so fast and with the same kind of life. She still has to take care of everything and everyone. He has health issues and works up north for months at a time. She deserves more than that. Someone should baby her and take care of her and ease her worries!! But , it is her choice. I went and had a talk and a cry with Pat yesterday (his ashes anyway) and it eased my thinking a little bit. I put all of my heart aches and worries and thought processes out there with his ashes. Not sure if he got to hear the talk or not, but I think he did. I saw an eagle fly over Carrie and I later that day, so I know he was around. I asked him to watch over us and help guide me when I have lost my way!! I relaxed once I saw that eagle, and I was able to talk to Louise about her boyfriend briefly without anger or ridicule! I think that is what was needed.
I'm still not out of the funk in my brain. I still feel like I am missing something in my life, but I am changing my focus. I am changing what I can and the rest will fall into place, or it was never meant to be! I want to try 3 things soon. I want to try Zumba (there is a class in Morinville, but I will not go alone), I am going to try yoga and get back into meditation! that is where I am going to start. I have had 1 yoga class years ago, and I fear I will be worse than last time, but I remember it felt so good to stretch my body! My mind used to be so clear from meditation that I often wonder why I ever stopped it. Think it was just business in life, that needs to slow down!
Well, I think that is all for now! I will hopefully write again soon. For sure before we go to Disneyland. I am going to make the ext one all POSITIVE!! That is the goal!!! Goodnight to all and to all a good night!!!
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Chaos working in harmony!!
Alright, the title may not make sense, but if you have ever lived or seen my world it does make sense some days! We are all going in so many different directions and we intertwine and intermix with each other at least once every day that there is harmony within the chaos of going 20 different directions. But that is not why I have the title today. It is purely for my mind pattern! I know it usually goes all over the place and I can't control it well, but I have really lost it this time. I am thinking things I have never thought before and details of thing long in the past are coming into my head and it is confusing me to no end. It makes me forever think (and usually frustrate me) about all that pops into my head, but I continue on. I won't say happily continue, but I do.
I have been really unhappy and angry lately. Quick to anger and anger for people that do not deserve it or warrant it at all! It breaks my heart to think that my dear boy Wyatt brings such anger in me, and so quickly. All he has to do is look at me lately and I am yelling and wondering why he looking at me! Work is the same way. The negative is always there and I can very easily bring it out in myself. Weather it be complaining about work itself or customers, or the things I can or cannot do..... whatever it is, I get grumpy every day. Not yell and bang my fists angry, just grumpy and not at all impressed!
I have done two things in light of all of this. I have applied for a different job within WalMart. Maybe a change in the surroundings will help the mind set. I have also applied for a job outside of WalMart! Again, a change in surrounding may be what I need. Either way, am not putting too much stalk into either one yet. Would rather be surprised than disappointed!
It's official, I have been a non smoker for 5 months. I feel like crap, I have gained 35 pounds, all of my friends at work are smokers, my blood pressure and heart rate have increased, and not one day goes by that I don't ponder going back to being a smoker. I miss it so bad some days that I sit in the chair I used to smoke in and just rock back and forth thinking about a cigarette. I know they are bad for me and I am doing a fantastic job with not smoking. I just want to be one again! The only difference everyone else notices is that I don't cough as much, which I don't believe!
Yup, it's official. I'm fat, I'm ugly and (if my mom had a choice) my mother dresses me funny! That is where I sit right now!!! not sure what else I would say. All I know, is that it would be negative today.... which is not a good mind frame.!!
I have been really unhappy and angry lately. Quick to anger and anger for people that do not deserve it or warrant it at all! It breaks my heart to think that my dear boy Wyatt brings such anger in me, and so quickly. All he has to do is look at me lately and I am yelling and wondering why he looking at me! Work is the same way. The negative is always there and I can very easily bring it out in myself. Weather it be complaining about work itself or customers, or the things I can or cannot do..... whatever it is, I get grumpy every day. Not yell and bang my fists angry, just grumpy and not at all impressed!
I have done two things in light of all of this. I have applied for a different job within WalMart. Maybe a change in the surroundings will help the mind set. I have also applied for a job outside of WalMart! Again, a change in surrounding may be what I need. Either way, am not putting too much stalk into either one yet. Would rather be surprised than disappointed!
It's official, I have been a non smoker for 5 months. I feel like crap, I have gained 35 pounds, all of my friends at work are smokers, my blood pressure and heart rate have increased, and not one day goes by that I don't ponder going back to being a smoker. I miss it so bad some days that I sit in the chair I used to smoke in and just rock back and forth thinking about a cigarette. I know they are bad for me and I am doing a fantastic job with not smoking. I just want to be one again! The only difference everyone else notices is that I don't cough as much, which I don't believe!
Yup, it's official. I'm fat, I'm ugly and (if my mom had a choice) my mother dresses me funny! That is where I sit right now!!! not sure what else I would say. All I know, is that it would be negative today.... which is not a good mind frame.!!
Friday, June 20, 2014
2 DAYS!!!!!!!
It has been 2 days since my last writing. Sure, I know, go from none in years to multiple just to confuse everyone! I just thought I would update and let myself know what was going on.
Yesterday was a very bitter sweet day for me. I have been excited for Carrie Anne's kindergarten graduation for awhile now, but it was tainted by sad news. My brother in law who has been fighting cancer for the past year past away. It was in the early hours of the morning that he passed and it broke all of our hearts. We all agreed that just because our hearts were broken we did not want to dampen her very special day. So, we all pretended to be a happy family for her!
Her graduation was beautiful. They sang songs and walked across the stage to get their little diploma's and the teacher said a little speech about each one. Carrie is quiet and patient, knows all her letters and sounds, can count well and wants to be an artist when she grows up because she likes to draw!I had many tears during that ceremony and i have to admit there were a few that were not due to her graduating.
I spent much time going through my head how I was going to tell Carrie when the time came. I played out all possible ways with all possible outcomes, but I often thought I could just continue thinking of it because it wasn't here yet. Well, now it was and I had to tell her soon than later. I didn't want her to overhear and freak out. So, out for a walk we went. We made it half way around the block and I just told her. Said he was in heaven and that we would see him again one day. Her response was amazing. For a 6 year old I would have expected many questions and not a full understanding of it. She had 1 question : she asked if we would see Uncle again? I said no, and that was it. She moved us onto another topic before I could blink.
That's another example of how she amazes me daily. Her quiet and calm strength, her ability to just get it, and how she is so collected about things, makes me wonder where she gets it from! I am very grateful that she is in my life and I thank my lucky stars that someone has sent her my way!
Yesterday was a very bitter sweet day for me. I have been excited for Carrie Anne's kindergarten graduation for awhile now, but it was tainted by sad news. My brother in law who has been fighting cancer for the past year past away. It was in the early hours of the morning that he passed and it broke all of our hearts. We all agreed that just because our hearts were broken we did not want to dampen her very special day. So, we all pretended to be a happy family for her!
Her graduation was beautiful. They sang songs and walked across the stage to get their little diploma's and the teacher said a little speech about each one. Carrie is quiet and patient, knows all her letters and sounds, can count well and wants to be an artist when she grows up because she likes to draw!I had many tears during that ceremony and i have to admit there were a few that were not due to her graduating.
I spent much time going through my head how I was going to tell Carrie when the time came. I played out all possible ways with all possible outcomes, but I often thought I could just continue thinking of it because it wasn't here yet. Well, now it was and I had to tell her soon than later. I didn't want her to overhear and freak out. So, out for a walk we went. We made it half way around the block and I just told her. Said he was in heaven and that we would see him again one day. Her response was amazing. For a 6 year old I would have expected many questions and not a full understanding of it. She had 1 question : she asked if we would see Uncle again? I said no, and that was it. She moved us onto another topic before I could blink.
That's another example of how she amazes me daily. Her quiet and calm strength, her ability to just get it, and how she is so collected about things, makes me wonder where she gets it from! I am very grateful that she is in my life and I thank my lucky stars that someone has sent her my way!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
OMG!!!!!!!
I cannot believe it has been two years since I last wrote a word on here! OK, I can believe it and I remember why!
What have I done in the last 2 years?? not much really. I have walked my girl to the bus stop for her first year of school this year. She has her kindergarten graduation tomorrow! Mommy is very proud, and a little sad too! This means that she is not the little girl I loved her being . She now has big ideas and her problems are getting slowly bigger. Not sure if I can handle the bigger problems and that scares me.
I have also watched my brother in law slowly deteriorate and wither away. He is now the shell of a man he was at the beginning of last year. He has leukemia and it will kill him. I fear he is really close to the end of his life. Its funny that I am not worried about sadness, or how his family or my sister or niece will be. I am so very scared of what Carrie will take out of this! I know that eventually everyone learns about deal and dying, but it sucks that she is just 6 and has been watching uncle decline in front of her!
I have a great nephew as well! He is 17 months old and is named Wyatt. He is a handsome little boy with an attitude to match his mothers. I see many a fight in their future! he and Carrie and growing up like brother and sister, due to all living under one roof! |It is great to have the closeness in the house. |I am sure we will need it sooner than later!
On the positive note, today is day 109 for not smoking! it has been a long battle that is far from over. Every day I want to be a smoker and smoke. I miss it so very much it bugs me muchly. Then i have moments of thanks that I no longer need that addiction! This is the scary part, the longest I have ever been without smoking was 112 days. So, I will be the farthest I have ever been in a couple days.
With this great achievement comes another gain. Yup, almost 30 pounds of it!! I feel like a whale out of water. Nothing fits anymore and my body aches. I had someone tell me when I first quit smoking that by the summer I will be running around with Carrie with no loss of breathe or the coughing. I don't cough anymore (and I didn't before either) and I am no closer to keeping up with her! Just can't seem to keep the silver lining bright. Am still looking at the dark side of the moon!!
Anyway, that's it. In a nutshell, my life in 5 short paragraphs. WOW!!!
What have I done in the last 2 years?? not much really. I have walked my girl to the bus stop for her first year of school this year. She has her kindergarten graduation tomorrow! Mommy is very proud, and a little sad too! This means that she is not the little girl I loved her being . She now has big ideas and her problems are getting slowly bigger. Not sure if I can handle the bigger problems and that scares me.
I have also watched my brother in law slowly deteriorate and wither away. He is now the shell of a man he was at the beginning of last year. He has leukemia and it will kill him. I fear he is really close to the end of his life. Its funny that I am not worried about sadness, or how his family or my sister or niece will be. I am so very scared of what Carrie will take out of this! I know that eventually everyone learns about deal and dying, but it sucks that she is just 6 and has been watching uncle decline in front of her!
I have a great nephew as well! He is 17 months old and is named Wyatt. He is a handsome little boy with an attitude to match his mothers. I see many a fight in their future! he and Carrie and growing up like brother and sister, due to all living under one roof! |It is great to have the closeness in the house. |I am sure we will need it sooner than later!
On the positive note, today is day 109 for not smoking! it has been a long battle that is far from over. Every day I want to be a smoker and smoke. I miss it so very much it bugs me muchly. Then i have moments of thanks that I no longer need that addiction! This is the scary part, the longest I have ever been without smoking was 112 days. So, I will be the farthest I have ever been in a couple days.
With this great achievement comes another gain. Yup, almost 30 pounds of it!! I feel like a whale out of water. Nothing fits anymore and my body aches. I had someone tell me when I first quit smoking that by the summer I will be running around with Carrie with no loss of breathe or the coughing. I don't cough anymore (and I didn't before either) and I am no closer to keeping up with her! Just can't seem to keep the silver lining bright. Am still looking at the dark side of the moon!!
Anyway, that's it. In a nutshell, my life in 5 short paragraphs. WOW!!!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The big and the skinny
I know, I know. I said that I was going to write in here more frequently but here is the skinny. My computer has been and still is avting like a complete and utter shit. So, that makes me not get in or on it frequently. I have tried 4 or 5 times, to no avail. If I would have gotten on there would be at least 4 posts already!!!
Now to the big. I am proud to say that the battle such far has been fairly triumphant. I started my weight January 1 with 209 pounds and as of last Monday the weight was 193. So, for those that can't do the math, that is 16 pounds. I can already start to feel it. Feels kinda great! Am working towards the 180's. Would like to be 185 by end of February, although will take a lower number if they want to give it to me! he he he!
The smoking is still there. I am ready a book about it right now called The Easy way To Stop Smoking! Ha.... I laugh in the face of this book. If it was that easy everyone would be doing it!!! But so far it is an interesting read with many many helpful resources to use!! Will have to wait and see how quickly I make it through!
Anyway, can't think of much more. Think I will go back to bed. After all it is just 5 AM and I had it in my head to just wake up and pee! Will hopefully write again soon. If not, know that I am doing well as I hope everyone else is doing well also!
NOTE: have to congratulate one of my dearest friends on her new baby girl!! even if I had to hear about it on facebook and not from any of the sources!!!
Now to the big. I am proud to say that the battle such far has been fairly triumphant. I started my weight January 1 with 209 pounds and as of last Monday the weight was 193. So, for those that can't do the math, that is 16 pounds. I can already start to feel it. Feels kinda great! Am working towards the 180's. Would like to be 185 by end of February, although will take a lower number if they want to give it to me! he he he!
The smoking is still there. I am ready a book about it right now called The Easy way To Stop Smoking! Ha.... I laugh in the face of this book. If it was that easy everyone would be doing it!!! But so far it is an interesting read with many many helpful resources to use!! Will have to wait and see how quickly I make it through!
Anyway, can't think of much more. Think I will go back to bed. After all it is just 5 AM and I had it in my head to just wake up and pee! Will hopefully write again soon. If not, know that I am doing well as I hope everyone else is doing well also!
NOTE: have to congratulate one of my dearest friends on her new baby girl!! even if I had to hear about it on facebook and not from any of the sources!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The end..... and the begining!!!!
I am making this the year in review post. This year has had ups and downs. I have an ever changing little girl that not only wants me to but expects me to change with her!! It is amazing how she has gone from such a little girl to an independant little thing. There is something about her that amazes me everyday!! She went from a crib this year to a big girl bed, diapers to fully potty trained, and stay at home with family to daycare most days. She helps every chance she gets and is always willing to learn more! There have been some trying times through the year with her. The daycare thing has and still is a bit of a trial and error thing. What started as a cry many times throughout the day for mom has turned to just a cry when I leave. That is a huge step. Christmas was wonderful and amazing for her. The look on her face when she saw all the presents was magical. I have etched that face in my head for easy viewing. I secretly am glad that myself alone got to share that first vision of the tree with her. Everyone else was asleep and she was sleeping in myh bed with me (to accomodate guests). so we woke up and went into the living room together! No camera's, no onlookers, just her and I in the excitement of the moment. Sure everyone was up within minutes of hearing us up, but those moments were hers and mine!
As for my year, it was full of ups and downs. Actually it was more same old same old stuff. Fought with myself for most of the year. Did go on a few little trips and I saved a little money, but nothing to truly right home about! I read 1 book all year and did half of a cross stitch pattern! Weight went up and down. Highest was beginning of the year at 228 and hit 204 at one point. Now I am at about 210. Quitting smoking was there and not there, as usual. Think that is all for me! Wow, can we tell where my interest in life is. 4 lines for me and 13 for Carrie. Think that is the way it is suppost to be!!!
So, now for next year. This is what I predict :
- the fight with weight will continue.... would like to see below 200 this year....would really like to see below 180
- the battle for smokng will continue!!!
- my job WILL change thisyear. I AM NOT going to spend another chistmas in retail and away from Carrie and the family
- the battle to save enough money to get Carrie and I on our own will continue. OR
- I WILL drive this year.... it will be the way to get me and Carrie out without having to leave.
- I would like to either change carrie into the bigger room or make 2 rooms downstairs. It is driving me crazy that I do not have a space of my own and I think splitting the bigger room downstairs into 2 will make that room mine again!
- 3 trips next year....1 mountains, 1 rodeo and 1 either camping or Victoria!
- I am going to get Carrie into some type of lessons this year. either swimming or dancing.... and maybe soccer. She likes those 3 things.
- I WILL write more in my blog. There are 16 entries for 2010. I would like to make it at least 24 in the next year. That is 2 a month. that is easy!!!
This is my motto for the year :
Someone smart once said the only time you truly fail is when you stop trying!!!
I know I have been given a wonderful opportunity to change things while being with others for support. This year I am going to take advantage of it and stop just watching it waste itself!!!
As for my year, it was full of ups and downs. Actually it was more same old same old stuff. Fought with myself for most of the year. Did go on a few little trips and I saved a little money, but nothing to truly right home about! I read 1 book all year and did half of a cross stitch pattern! Weight went up and down. Highest was beginning of the year at 228 and hit 204 at one point. Now I am at about 210. Quitting smoking was there and not there, as usual. Think that is all for me! Wow, can we tell where my interest in life is. 4 lines for me and 13 for Carrie. Think that is the way it is suppost to be!!!
So, now for next year. This is what I predict :
- the fight with weight will continue.... would like to see below 200 this year....would really like to see below 180
- the battle for smokng will continue!!!
- my job WILL change thisyear. I AM NOT going to spend another chistmas in retail and away from Carrie and the family
- the battle to save enough money to get Carrie and I on our own will continue. OR
- I WILL drive this year.... it will be the way to get me and Carrie out without having to leave.
- I would like to either change carrie into the bigger room or make 2 rooms downstairs. It is driving me crazy that I do not have a space of my own and I think splitting the bigger room downstairs into 2 will make that room mine again!
- 3 trips next year....1 mountains, 1 rodeo and 1 either camping or Victoria!
- I am going to get Carrie into some type of lessons this year. either swimming or dancing.... and maybe soccer. She likes those 3 things.
- I WILL write more in my blog. There are 16 entries for 2010. I would like to make it at least 24 in the next year. That is 2 a month. that is easy!!!
This is my motto for the year :
Someone smart once said the only time you truly fail is when you stop trying!!!
I know I have been given a wonderful opportunity to change things while being with others for support. This year I am going to take advantage of it and stop just watching it waste itself!!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Time to fill the void!!
This entry is dedicated to Darius Rucker and his song "it won't be like this ". If you know it you will understand why shortly!
It has been awhile and things have been crazy and chaotic! I have finally got my little girl into daycare. It was suppost to be a great and wonderful thing. I was hoping for a smooth transition and a fun and easy getaway into fun for her, but of course it is not how it worked! The first day and a half was magic. She really enjoyed all of the excitement of kids and all the new toys. Then she started to miss mommy and the struggle began. I have taken her crying into a place and left her there on a few occasions now and it breaks my heart every time. When we talk of daycare she starts to cry and it breaks my heart. Just the sadness of it all! I know it will not last that long, the broken heart just kills me! There are days I wonder how I am going to get through this. It just makes me wanna cry and hold her close and never let her go! But I know I must be strong and persist through this, even if it breaks my heart every day!
Now that I have the daycare in order (kinda) it is time to find something more daytime and scheduled for me. Am looking for somewhere in Morinville now to work. Would have to pay me enough to save up and be able to sustain me when and if I ever move into Morinville. I would very quickly move into morinville if given the right amount of chance and survival! It is not the city but it is also not the parents house! In the same kind of ideal it would be just as easy, if not easier, to get my license a vehicle and insurance. This way we do not leave the comfort that my baby is accustomed to!!
On all other fronts things are going backwards. I am gaining weight, increasing smoking and slowly loosing all cinfidence with myself!! Not sure how or why, but it just is!! lol
think that is all. The big thing on the mind is getting a girl comfortable with being in care!!! any ideas, please feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong!!!
It has been awhile and things have been crazy and chaotic! I have finally got my little girl into daycare. It was suppost to be a great and wonderful thing. I was hoping for a smooth transition and a fun and easy getaway into fun for her, but of course it is not how it worked! The first day and a half was magic. She really enjoyed all of the excitement of kids and all the new toys. Then she started to miss mommy and the struggle began. I have taken her crying into a place and left her there on a few occasions now and it breaks my heart every time. When we talk of daycare she starts to cry and it breaks my heart. Just the sadness of it all! I know it will not last that long, the broken heart just kills me! There are days I wonder how I am going to get through this. It just makes me wanna cry and hold her close and never let her go! But I know I must be strong and persist through this, even if it breaks my heart every day!
Now that I have the daycare in order (kinda) it is time to find something more daytime and scheduled for me. Am looking for somewhere in Morinville now to work. Would have to pay me enough to save up and be able to sustain me when and if I ever move into Morinville. I would very quickly move into morinville if given the right amount of chance and survival! It is not the city but it is also not the parents house! In the same kind of ideal it would be just as easy, if not easier, to get my license a vehicle and insurance. This way we do not leave the comfort that my baby is accustomed to!!
On all other fronts things are going backwards. I am gaining weight, increasing smoking and slowly loosing all cinfidence with myself!! Not sure how or why, but it just is!! lol
think that is all. The big thing on the mind is getting a girl comfortable with being in care!!! any ideas, please feel free to let me know what I am doing wrong!!!
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